now that you're gone • theo raeken [1½]

»six«

JOURNAL

NOW THAT YOU'RE GONE

scott and i have been inseparable.
after school, he lets me ride
on the back of his motorbike.
sometimes we go out to eat.
other times he lets me hang out at work.
deaton doesn't mind.
but i think that's just because
i'm helping for free.

scott makes it easier.
especially on days when i actually
fucking miss you.
he understands.
when i'm curled up crying over
you, he tells me it's understandable.
"you loved him," he says, "loving someone
hurts and finding out they
deceived you hurts more."

that doesn't cover it.
being hurt by the person you love
is like being hit by a train and flown
out into space, but on the way out
you get caught in the
engine of an airplane.
so now you're just bits and pieces
floating in space until a black
hole pulls you in and spreads you
so far apart, you don't know
who you are anymore.
that's what loving you feels like.
correction.
felt like.

i don't want to love you anymore.
i don't want to miss you anymore.
i don't want anything to do with you.
but all i can do is think of you.
my mind is filled with nothing but you.
you're gone but you're still stuck in my head.
leave me alone.