AUTHENTIC

fourteen

trigger warnings: suicide/suicidal thoughts
also, i was really nervous writing this because i describe negative emotions/thoughts in really strange description and i'm worried that it could come off as romanticizing mental illness which pisses me off so here goes nothing

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Ross

Rocky, Ryland, and Carter are outside, probably waiting on me by now, but I can't focus.

I grip the sides of the bathroom sink while my mind swims again, for the second time this week. Something from the back of my head tries to pull me away from all of this, like a string is tied around my mind.

Everything hurts. And I'm dizzy from it all racing through my head on a sickening carousel.

I can see all of them clearly as they blur by for a second, reminding me what I've done.

Rocky, his arms folded indignantly, his mouth turned in a frown, as he watches angrily.

Olivia, a sobbing mess, her mouth opening to call my name as she reaches out before ripping away.

Clovis, carrying a dark aura with a sneer on his arrogant face. You deserve this, He mouthes.

The carousel is endless. Even my own mother flies by, disappointment in her features, heartbreak weighing down her shoulders.

But the worst is Courtney. Tears slide down her red face as she shouts at me. The memory of our demise six years ago is the most painful to experience over and over again.

I swing open the cabinet in the bathroom and look for something, anything, to stop the pain, even if it's temporary.

I find a bottle of Ibuprofen and clumsily take it from the shelf, then study the fine print in an attempt to distract or ground myself.

The string tugs at the back of my mind, and I realize that the dosage doesn't really matter. The shadowed concept creeps over my brain as I process it.

I suppose it wouldn't be so bad, to go like this. Everyone could cry and get over it. I'd be dead for real- maybe Rocky would be relieved. Courtney wouldn't have to worry or even think about me anymore.

Everything slows around me as I unscrew the cap, understanding and agreeing with the idea.

Wouldn't it just be easier? No one else could hurt because of me. I guess there was a possibility of collateral damage, but what's a little more after all the damage I have caused?

I pour the pills into my palm, watching each slowly fall into place. I stare at my hand full of them and take a deep breath.

Ryland's voice through the door sets everything back in real time, also making me jump and start to stand up. "Hey dude, you've been in there a while, everything okay?"

"Everything's fine!" I promise hastily and glare at the pills. Now or never.

But there's a new rider on the carousel- younger Ryland, beaming at me. As the youngest, he immediately looked up to me, since we were the closest in age. But as young Ryland circles through my head again, his face changes to sorrow and tears- from the time I went away to summer camp without him.

He'd had a complete meltdown before Dad drove me to camp for a week, because we were always together, but I was just starting to have a group of friends and spend time without him. I left him for summer camp that year, and when I came back it was like it had been ten years since we'd last seen each other.

Would Ryland miss me?

Or worse, would this hurt him more than I already have hurt him? More than just the sting of my real death?

In one sharp movement, I dump the pills into the toilet. I glare at the pills and flush them down the drain.

The last thing I need is to hurt someone else, and Ryland is no exception. He's not the collateral damage I can handle. I'd rather be hurting than him. It's not fair to cause him any more pain. I'd be guilty even if I was dead.

I leave the bathroom and go back to my room to grab my phone.

Strangely, I catch Carter standing in it with his back turned to the door.

"What are you doing in here?" I snap at him.

"Rocky sent me looking for you, we were gonna head out-"

"Yeah, well I'm here. Get out. I'll be outside in a minute." I frown at him. He backs out of my room. I pick up my phone and text Courtney:

Ross:
i'm wondering about the therapy thing... any recommendations?

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i don't want to hit you with a "suicide is not the answer!" but seriously, feeling this way is terrible. it is not your fault and you really are not alone. please, reach out to someone and know that its going to take baby steps to feel okay again. i believe in you.