AUTHENTIC

nine

Courtney

Jack sits at the counter while I cut an apple into slices for him. I'd just taken him home from school, and I had planned to introduce the divorce to him.

Noah will be over in a few hours to spend time with him, and take his own turn explaining what will be happening in the next few months.

I move the apple slices to a bowl and give them to Jack, who picks one up and eats. I grab a container of store-bought cookies and leave two in the bowl for him.

"Momma?"

"Yes?"

"When will you make cookies again?"

I put the container away as I think over his question.

"How about this weekend? We'll make them together," I suggest and smile at him. He smiles back and nods.

I sit down next to him at the counter and steal an apple slice. I chew on it as I try to imagine a way to start this conversation.

It's so hard to have to tell him. He looks so content right now, as he always is. What if I traumatize him for life?

I brush away the thought too quickly for me to think about it too much and glance down at Jack.

"Jackson, I do have something I need to talk to you about," I start uncertainly.

"What?"

"Dad and I, we've done some thinking," -a lie- "and we've decided," -I decided- "that we aren't going to live together anymore."

"You're not going to live together? Why?" He tilts his head just slightly in confusion.

"We just don't feel the same way about each other anymore," I try my best to sugarcoat it, and he nods like he really understands.

"If you don't live together, what about me?"

"Well, that's what we're going to talk about soon. And I'll make sure that you know right away, and whatever happens  that you're happy with it, okay?"

"Okay," He answers. The tone in his voice makes him sound so mature, as if he really gets what's happening.

"You sound very calm about this," I note.

"My friend Evan's mom and dad don't live together," He reminds me. "And Evan is okay."

I smile weakly and ruffle his hair.

"I'm glad you're not worried. If you are, please talk to me, okay?"

"I will, momma." He beams confidently up at me. I kiss the top of his head and get up.

"Alright, your father will be here at 5:00, so I'd like you to get some of that math packet done before he gets here, ok?"

He nods again then jumps down from his seat and goes to grab his backpack.

***

Noah follows me back into the kitchen as I head to the cabinets near the stove for dishes.

I look back at him uneasily as he nonchalantly collects forks and knives from the silverware drawer.

"Why did you follow me?" I ask sharply. He stops what he's doing and turns his attention to me.

"I'm helping.."

"Yeah, well, I don't need help. Go spend time with your son." I take three plates out of the cabinet so abruptly that they clink together loudly. He frowns and leaves without saying any more.

I take a deep breath and reluctantly carry the dishes and silverware out to the dining room.

I set the plates and cutlery out and go back to bring out the burgers I'd made since they were one of Jack's favorite meals. I'd even made him brownies to keep his spirits up.

Once I've brought everything out, we sit and eat in silence for a while. Jack eats his burger happily, not really acknowledging anything is different.

He seems comfortable enough, but the tension I keep noticing between Noah and I is thankfully just above Jack's radar.

"What have you been doing at school, Jack?" Noah asks to lighten the atmosphere.

"Too much math," Jack complains through his food.

"Don't talk with your mouth full," I say almost automatically. Jack swallows the bite he had taken and continues on about school to Noah.

Noah listens, occasionally nodding or smiling thoughtfully, but I don't hear any of it.

I don't mean to, but I kind of zone out as the two of them talk. Every time I look at Noah all I can think of is what he's done.

Not only am I stuck on that, the thought of him simply kissing someone else then coming home and kissing me makes me ache.

I massage my temples tiredly and do my best to pay attention to what they're talking about.

After dinner, I clean up the table and dishes so Noah can spend some extra time with Jack.

I regret making brownies for Jack now. The pan is covered in remnants of the food that I have to scrub away at.

As I clean the pan, I listen to Noah and Jack in the living room. Noah says something to make him laugh, and I scrub harder at the pan to distract myself.

He says everything lightly to Jack like nothing is wrong, because we can't make it seem like it is. But everything is wrong.

I keep scrubbing furiously at the pan until I suddenly drop it in the sink with a crash.

It goes quiet in the living room for a moment.

"Everything okay in there?" Noah calls  back to me, like everything is.

"Everything's fine!" I manage to reply and push my hair out of my eyes, then stand there taking slow breaths to calm down.

I give up on the brownie pan and throw it in the dish washer, then wait in the kitchen for Noah to leave.

***

I leave Jack's room slowly and quietly as he nods off to sleep.

Noah had finally left about two hours ago and I finally feel more at ease.

I change into pajamas and go through my quick night routine before bed, then crawl under the covers and settle in.

I check my phone one last time and realize I'd left Ross kind of rudely when we texted this morning.

Courtney:
Sorry I answered so abruptly earlier. I have a lot going on

He answers about a minute later, almost faster than I expected:

Ross:
it's ok, don't worry about it- ttyl?

Courtney:
I'll try. Goodnight

Ross:
night

I set my phone down again and spread out my arm across the empty side of the bed.

It's so strange to not have someone there anymore.

I'll admit that I miss it.