Grabbing Hold (The Motorcycle Kid #1)

Author's Note: On Charlotte

I'm going to get really personal with you guys for a second. I guess what triggered this is a convo I had with one of my readers in the comments of last chapter regarding the situation between Charlotte and her kids when it came to the impact of her depression on her relationship with her children. I'm not going to lie, it made me do some thinking. You see, writing last chapter was very taxing and emotional for me because I'm very much on the fence when it comes to whose "fault" it really was. Why?

1. When I was about fourteen, fifteen, my mum went through a similar period of depression, rejection, low self-esteem, everything. For a long while, I felt like I lost her emotionally – she closed up within herself, she cried a lot, and she seemed so weak it was both scary and somewhat annoying (it sounds selfish, but my mum's my emotional rock and seeing her so incapable of handling her emotions made me quite resentful for a long time). It affected me pretty deeply because as far as I was concerned, she was supposed to be the strong one. It was weird and uncomfortable.

2. At that period in my life, I was dealing with my own bouts of low-self esteem, stuck in a pretty toxic friendship, nursing my first "break-up" and recovering from the resulting refusal to eat. My self-esteem was nowhere in sight, and I didn't quite understand why. Still, at that time, mental health wasn't something I thought about. It never clicked that starving myself was just as much a form of self-harm as cutting or taking drugs. I most certainly did not understand what depression was, let alone how it affects people and those around them, till I myself went through that period.

3. Being diagnosed with mild depression pretty much put my mother's lethargy, constant emotional exhaustion, and emotional absence into perspective. When I was the one dragging myself out of bed after crying myself to sleep for reasons I couldn't pinpoint, everything started making sense, and I finally understood what my mother had been facing. When I shut down emotionally and locked myself in a metaphorical box with my own fears, insecurities and uncertainties, I didn't want to think of myself as being selfish. I saw it as trying to protect the fragments of what I had left. And that's how eventually, I was able to forgive my mother. Because I understood. I understood for myself how hard it was to claw my way out of depression after three months of feeling more self-destructive and worthless than I had my entire life. And that made me realize that sometimes, you can't control what depression does to you. I absolutely hated feeling so distant from the people I cared about, but it took me a very long time to get to a place where I could do something about it.

That said, I completely understand why you guys are pretty partial towards Charlotte at the moment. First and foremost, she's a mother, and she had a responsibility to be there for her kids, particularly during a time as difficult as a divorce. They were young and scared and confused, and a mom who disappeared on them emotionally and psychologically didn't help the situation either. There's no disputing that.

Still, Charlie's a person too.

And I'm not saying that so you guys will change your mind about her, because I'm not here to write likable characters. I'm here to talk about the things people don't like talking about, like depression. I'm writing this so you guys have perspective, so you can try to see things from multiple points of view. Depression is a serious, crippling mental illness, and no two people handle it the same way. Not everyone knows how to handle it, either. So it's perfectly fine to disagree with Charlotte's actions; just be respectful and conscious of others in your responses, you don't know who's going through something similar.

Please bear that in mind as you read. I hope my little story didn't make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around me. It's a safe space here.

Yours sincerely,

Mack.