Affection // irwin

Chapter 11

Am I really doing this? Is this really happening? I’ve never been in this situation before. I’ve always kept my mouth shut, never shared my story, my feelings. But being here with Ashton, I feel almost confident. It’s different and I can’t control it. Still, I kind of like this feeling. Ashton doesn’t say a word, just continues looking at me, his head slightly tilted, his hand still on the table.

“I don’t know what exactly to reply to your question. There are multiple things haunting me. Words, people, thoughts, nightmares sometimes. Mostly thoughts though. I overthink things so much I don’t even know how it all started. Anyway, as you’ve probably already guessed, I wasn’t exactly the most popular girl back in High School, or at any age at all. To put it simple, I didn’t have any friends. I was bullied and ignored. I was an outcast pretty much. People called me names. I wasn’t fat, sure my cheeks were a little chubby, but I wasn’t fat. They called me fatty, the squirrel and other horrible names I’m not gonna bring up now. Oh and, I don’t trust people as you’ve probably already guessed. I don’t even know why I’m telling you all of this. It’s very personal.” 

My eyes are wet, but I blink the tears away. I look down, too scared to meet Ashton’s eyes.

“You don’t have to…” His voice feels so far away.

“No, I have to. A deal’s a deal.”

“But it makes you uncomfortable. I can tell.”

I wave him off. If I’ve started telling, I might as well finish it.

“I moved around a lot, too. We lived in Chicago when I was little and I think I attended three different schools during that time. It was the same everywhere. Ignorance, bullying. Then we moved back to Toronto and being the new kid isn’t the easiest thing in the world. Same things happened. Then they found out I had good grades, so they found another thing to ignore me for. Coming here, moving halfway around the world, is the best thing that has actually happened to me. I don’t have to see any of the people who pushed me down in High School and I can start over. But, I’m still scared. I’m scared things will turn out like before, and I don’t want that. I don’t want to wake up with a lump in my stomach every day, and cry myself to sleep every night. There are people here who reminds me of it. Things they have said or done. You’ve probably already noticed that. High School was the worst time of my life and I wish it would all go away…All that pain…It still hurts…”

My voice fails me in the end and the tears I’ve been holding in, are now falling down my cheeks. I try to wipe them off, but instead I feel a large arm around my shoulder pulling me closer to their chest.

ASHTON POV 

This is hard, hearing Joselyn tell me about her school experience and how it made her feel. She doesn’t have to say it by words, I can see the pain in her eyes and how her shoulders drop, making her smaller. I know I shouldn’t have pushed her to tell me, I knew she would end up crying, but it’s much better letting those feelings out then holding them in. They will ruin her. She might not see it, but I do. And she has been holding on for so long, it was only a matter of time before she would crash down again. I try to stop her but she just waves me off, continuing her heartbroken story. Kids can be so cruel. I’ve seen bullies before, hell, I used to be one of them. I only did it once in 5th grade. We were just messing with him, joking around but a few years later I realized we weren’t joking. We were actually bullying him. I contacted him, I apologized and he accepted it. Just like that. Told me to not worry about it but I felt like he did. I felt like he was still scared of me and the others.

You read about people being bullied and you feel for them, but two minutes later you’ve forgotten all about them. Seeing this, seeing what it does to people is a whole different situation. Especially when the person means something to you.