Wandering Fireflies

Chapter 8: A Night To Forget

"Hey, I won't judge, criticize or laugh at you. I just want to make sure that you're okay because I think that holding onto something like can destroy you. It may be hard to say something, but pretending that everything is okay when you clearly feel that it isn't will only make things worse. So if you want to talk, I'm here." How was he so good at this? I don't know what made me tell him everything. Maybe it was the tone of his voice, or his words, or the way he just made me feel so comfortable. I really don't know.

Whatever it was, it worked. I lifted my tear-streaked face, tears still falling towards him and finally managed to speak. "It started when I was younger. We were playing video games and then she told me that if I let her touch me and not tell anyone, she'd buy me a new game. I didn't know what she meant, but I really wanted a new one, so I said yes. So she had her way with me and of course, got me the game" I paused. Zaavan gave me an encouraging nod.

"She gave me that kind of offer a few times, with different things every time. But something just felt...wrong. At some point, it started to feel really wrong and I told her to stop but she just wouldn't. She kept forcing me to have sex with her every time she came over and now she just won't stop and I don't know what to do anymore!" I started sobbing uncontrollably.

"I just can't do it anymore! It feels so wrong and I feel so disgusted with myself. I just, I feel so sick-" Oh God. Not again. I jumped and made it to the bathroom just in time. I threw up in the toilet. It obviously smelt repulsive, but even so, Zaavan stood by me the whole time. I cleaned myself off and collapsed back into the bed. Zaavan was looking at me worriedly.

"Do you want to go see a doctor?" he asked. I shook my head.

"When I get really stressed, I vomit, so it's normal for me." Zaavan nodded.

"I'm really sorry about-"

"Don't." I cut him off. I didn't want to hear what he had to say. I still couldn't believe that I actually told him. If anything, I felt so humiliated and I just wanted to forget any of this ever happened.

"It's late. We should get back to sleep. We have to be up really early for tomorrow."

Zaavan looked unsure for a moment, but nodded anyways.

"Okay, but if you need anything, wake me up. I mean it Vance. Even if it's just to talk." I nodded and we both lay back down.

But I couldn't sleep. Truth be told, I was terrified. What if I had another nightmare of her? She managed to snake her way into my dreams. Even when I shut my eyes, I still saw her. I turned over to Zaavan, about to ask him if I could leave a light on but he was already fast asleep, leaving me all alone with my thoughts. I really didn't want to wake him. I already felt like a weak loser and talking to him would just make me feel worse.

I needed to escape. No - better yet, I needed a release. I got up and got dressed as fast as I could. I had to be quick, but I couldn't just leave in my pj's. This was Canada after all. Even in the middle of March, I'd probably end up getting frostbite. I sighed. Even though I was exhausted, as I grabbed my lighter, adrenaline started pulsing through my veins. Grabbing my jacket, I quietly made my way to the nearest park.

***

I underestimated how far the nearest park actually was. I couldn't really go far - what if I got lost? I ended up stopping in an abandoned alleyway. Shaking, all tensed up and stressed, I pulled out my lighter and lit a piece of garbage on fire. The feeling was indescribable. All the stress and tension that was built up inside of me came flowing out. I didn't know why I even did this. What's wrong with me? All I know is that this was the only way for me to escape. To feel pleasure and relief. With parents like mine, I'd get caught drinking or smoking or doing drugs in no time. What else could I do?

I only started doing this after aunt Lucy started touching me. This wasn't her fault though. It was all mine. I deserved all of this.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! ARE YOU INSANE?!" I turned around to face a panicking Zaavan. "We could get into serious trouble! Put it out!" I stood there, shocked and unable to move. That is until...

"Vance! You're on fire!" I looked down to see my pants burning. For some reason, I still couldn't move. It actually felt...good.

Zaavan, however acted quickly and shoved me to the ground. He picked up some snow and kept throwing it onto my pants and the garbage until all the fire was completely out.

"What the hell man?!" I just looked at him. Once again, I broke down into tears. It wasn't like me to cry like this. I never cry. At least, not in front of others. But I couldn't help it. Everything tonight was just too much for me to deal with. I was exhausted and just didn't have the strength to control myself.

Zaavan's expression softened. "Hey. You're good."

"N-no...I'm n-not. I deserve it. I deserve all of this. It's all my fault."

"Vance, look at me. None of this is your fault. You're the victim here. NEVER forget that,"  he said with a stern look.

I felt so defeated. Why was he arguing with me? "But I should like it. Guys are supposed to be okay with stuff like that. And have you seen my aunt? Any guy would want her. I should want it - I probably do want it. I probably actually like it-" Panic was rising in my voice but he quickly cut me off.

"Is that what she's been telling you? Because no Vance, it's your body. People shouldn't touch if you don't want them to. And trust me. I barely even know you and I can clearly see that you don't like it and that you don't want it."

I remained silent for a while, tears still falling. I hung my head. Shoot, why am I crying like a girl? I couldn't stop though, no matter how hard I tried.

"Come on. Let's go back. You're going to freeze out here all wet like this." He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and we went back to our room.