takes a bit more • matthew healy

xxv.) dazed

the sun is setting at a distance when matty comes back to the lounge area of the bus. i do not know where he's been—probably took a nap or had a smoke or whatever—but i do not really want to ask.

"everybody had left." i say, as if he doesn't notice.

he proceeds to sit right across me, falling back on a humongous black beanbag. "did you win in cards?"

"a couple rounds, yeah."

matthew kind of has this permanent frown etched on his face, but it looks more prominent tonight than the other days.

in fact, he doesn't look like himself. he looks dazed, his eyes averted to the purple-orange sky sinking behind me. he's got his lips pursed, but i know he's most probably in deep thought about something.

"do you love me, rhiannon?"

i shift in my seat, furrowing my eyebrows. "of course i do. why are you asking that?"

matty just shrugs. silence again.

"seriously, matty, are you really okay?"

he shrugs again. "my mind is a fucking mess right now, to be honest."

i don't exactly know how to deal with this. i hate myself for that. "do you want to talk about it?"

"not tonight, no."

"well, do you want me to go to bed with you, then?"

matty glances at me, and i swear his mouth forms a small smirk. "what's that supposed to mean?"

i cringe. i'm obviously just embarrassing at this point. "uhm, i mean, tuck you into bed. or something like that."

he smiles softly, as if trying to ease my nerves. "i've been trying to fall asleep. adam's fiddling with the acoustic right above me, so it's quite annoying really."

i sigh. "how's your headache coming on?"

"fucking awful."

"i'm sorry."

"it's not your fault, babe. stop apologizing." matty smirks with a hint of sadness in his eyes. he falls quiet for a moment, his fingers touching his chin, until he adds, "you sort of flinched earlier when adam said it could be you."

"what?" it takes me a second to realize what he's talking about. "oh, that."

"yeah..." his deep voice drifts off, locking eyes with me.

i roll my eyes at him. "you wouldn't believe that, matty, now would you?"

there he goes again with his eyes staring at the sky like some sort of trance. "you're right. sorry." he shakes his head a little. "it's just that... erm... george and i had this sort of past with the girls we've dated."

observing matty makes me realize how pale and skinny he actually is. mostly skinny. and how his hair is just all over the place, tousled and all. "what, they cheat on you with him?"

"the other way around, mostly. george is more emotionally available." matty smirks. "but that's a nice way to put it."

i sigh. "i'm not them, matty."

he gazes at me for a moment. "i know." matty stands up, scratching his mop of curls. "erm, i'll try to go back to sleep, i guess. i took some aspirin, and i just feel like dozing off."