xiii.) black

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i have to admit: i'm excited about going with matty on tour.

but along with that, it's giving me extreme anxiety; the thought of spending my days and nights with him and his bandmates.

after alice had said yes, matty asked if he could spend the night so we could go to manchester together the very next day.

"it's okay if you and rhiannon have sex," she had replied, "but don't ever fucking broadcast it over the media, you little twat."

i know alice is still mad at him over ruining my life, but something about matty spending an entire day looking for me in this city to apologize made me forgive him in a heartbeat. as soon as he stepped into the room, actually.

it's his presence that gets to me. something about him makes me feel safe.

before i could go inside my room to call it a day, alice calls me and asks if she could talk to me for a bit in her room. as soon as i get inside, she's smoking again, and drinking another another red wine straight from the bottle.

"looks like you wanted your own place so you could smoke without your parents telling you off." i chuckle, sitting down at the foot of her bed. alice rolls her eyes.

"my house, my rules, sweetie." she takes a sip from the red liquid, then looks at me. "are you sure about what you're getting into? going on tour with matty?"

i sigh. "yeah."

"you hardly even know the guy, rhiannon."

"well, YOU do." i shrug at her. "you said you've been a fan of his music ever since. you're the one who got me to listen to their songs when you found out i met him on the train."

alice is just smiling at me, like she knows better. and i'm scared, because i know she does. "liking him as an artist is completely different than liking him as a person, babe. see? i could call him a fucking twat because i hate him, but i'd still buy their music the next time it comes around."

see. alice being fucking right once more. "right."

"i'm just saying, you better be careful out there." she takes another swig of her wine. "if anything goes wrong, anything at all, ring me up. i'd love to punch that matthew in the face and hopefully it would get into the headlines."

i laugh lightly. then, everything dies down. i find myself asking for alice's bottle of wine, taking a sip of my own. "everything's just falling apart for me, alice."

"i know." is what she says. "but matty saves the day, doesn't he?"

"you did, too." i reply. "you always save everything, alice. i honestly don't know what i would do without you."

at that, she rolls her eyes once more. "if you hadn't met me, you'd probably have straight As and would never get into trouble. and in that case, your mum wouldn't have hated you."

"she still hates me no matter what. after what happened with my dad."

"she just doesn't have anyone else to blame."

this time, i take alice's cigarette. the night is getting sadder, and the thought of matty sleeping in the other room lifts my spirits a bit. but not too much.

alice and i stay silent for a few moments, me smoking and her drinking her wine.

"i'm sorry i have nothing on my refrigerator." she says all of a sudden. "but hey, going on tour with those lads mean a shit ton of food and alcohol and weed. bet you'd have a great time."

i look at her. "matty's friends seem to hate the fact that i'm younger than them."

alice scoffs. "fuck off. frankly you could pass off as a young adult with that face of yours."

"wouldn't pass off to them." i say, reminding myself of the time i had woken up to matty's bed with his bandmates in the sitting room. it was awful.

"they'd adjust at one point." alice assures me. "and if they don't, you could always come back here. this should be your home, rhiannon."

she's right. how come alice is always right and i'm, well, a fucking garbage can?

even so, i know i'm going to miss her. frankly, i know this whole thing is fucked up; that i am ditching her to go with this famous (or so he claims) rockstar (another thing he likes to claim) as they go on their tour with his band i never really got to know.

"it is." i say, grabbing her hand and giving it a rather friendly squeeze. "it really is."

it is quite distracting knowing matty is on my bed as i'm packing for the tour. i don't even try to look at him once he had asked if he could kiss me. i'm just sorting out some clothes from the backpack my mum had thrown out earlier, putting some clothes inside the cabinet that i know i wouldn't really need.

"do you have some sort of uniform going on with all the black ensemble?" i ask him without looking, stashing some black shirts inside my bag.

"i suppose you could pack a few blacks." he replies, and from the sounds of typing, i can sense he's on his phone having a rather fast conversation.

after a few minutes, i finally finish packing and i'm lying next to matty on the bed. we're both quiet, i don't know what's on his mind, but i don't know what's in my mind, either. everything just feels like a mess.

all of a sudden he blurts out, "is it alright if i smoke?"

i just look at him, my eyes trying to adjust to his face in the dark, with only the lamppost outside serving as the only light. "whatever you want."

my heart feels extra heavy, and all i want to do is cry.

what is it with matty that's making me cry whenever i'm with him?

"this is an awfully cramped room." he says after a drag.

"sure is." i reply, then after awhile, i add, "you of all people know how much i hate cramped spaces."

"and not getting out."

"mmhmm."

"frankly, i feel the same." i hear matty sigh. "this whole thing... feeling like i'm in a tight space, desperately getting out. it's sad that it always happens in my head, you know."

"i know." i say. "it's living without actually being alive."

matty chuckles darkly at that. "sounds like something i would write for in a song."

"well, i know you."

it's the first time i would ever sleep next to matthew healy.

well, i did. once. in his mate george's car.

but i was drunk, and we had sex, and i nearly passed out if it weren't for him telling me to hold on until i could get home.

but tonight is different compared to that.

not only in terms of not being in the mood (or not being drunk enough) to have sex, but because of the sadness that fills the room. and how everything is peaceful. like matty and i have found a safe space to blow off some steam.

hell, he isn't even touching me. he's perfectly asleep right next to my side of the bed, his breath slow and steady.

i'm not ready for tomorrow. at the same time i am. at the same time i'm getting anxiety from all the thoughts in my head.

seeing matty right next to me, peacefully asleep, seems to get rid of those thoughts.

i wonder what's going to happen tomorrow.

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