santana and brittany

sex tape

*

Instead of going to the cafeteria for lunch, I go to the library to study for the calculus test I have next period.

I feel someone starting at me, so I look to my right and see two cheerleaders and a boy looking at me and then at their phones and then back up at me.

"You make a cat emptying the dishwasher look sexy." A boy with red hair says while looking down at his phone, "I love you, Santana Lopez."

As he walks away from me, Brittany walks towards me.

"Awesome, right?" Brittany asks as she sits next to me at the table, "Don't thank me for your new fame."

I drop my pen down, "You know, it didn't really cross my mind to thank you."

"Yeah, well, you say the dream, and I help build your dream. And that's what a partnership is about, right?"

"Listen, Britt, I totally understand how you could think that you were helping me, but you gotta take the video down."

"No way!" Brittany says and I furrow my eyebrows, "Now that we just got your boob in the door, we can't rest. I came up with an idea that will make you, like, Snooki famous, but without all the blackout drinking. We need to book you on a reality TV gig ASAP. So I've narrowed it down to a few possibilities." Brittany opens her bag and pulls out a sheet of paper, "Number one: I see how you keep your car so you could totally be on Hoarders. You just need to start storing your poops in the trunk, and I'm sure they'll book you."

I shake my head, "No. Brittany, I can't do that."

"Well, you have to if you want to be on the show. Or... this is my favorite one," Brittany says smiling as she reaches inside of her bag again. She pulls out something in plastic wrap and drops it on my book, "You can eat that. It's a bull testicle. I drove all the way to Spencerville to get it. You know, it came with a pair, but I got hungry in the way home, so...  It tastes just like a chicken testicle."

"I don't get it."

"It's for Fear Factor. If you want to be famous, you have to eat crazy stuff." Brittany puts the piece of paper back in her bag, "Just let me know how far you're willing to go for fame." She stands up, "It's up to you." Brittany kisses my temple before walking out of the library, leaving me and the testicle alone at the table.

I use my pen to hold the testicle in place as I close my textbook.

*

"Boobs Magoo, words simply cannot describe how disappointed I am in you," Coach Sue says with a frown on her face. After practice, she told Brittany and I to meet her in her office, "And look at poor Brittany. Her chagrin is limited only by the fact that she has a brain the size of a toddler's fist."

Brittany looks at me, "I can show you the MRI."

I look down at my lap and frown.

"And it's not just he sex tape. My goodness, sex tapes are a dime a dozen these days. I myself made a sex tape with Oliver North. Wasn't very popular, probably because we released it on Betamax." Sue squints her eyes, "I think Cheney still has a copy."

Me and Brittany exchange looks and we both furrow out eyebrows in confusion.

"What's so disappointing is not that you want to be famous, it's that you don't care how you get there." Sue says shaking her head left to right

"I see that now. I'm embarrassed I've been so shortsighted. I want to make something of my life. I want to do something of substance with it. And yes, I do want to go to college." I say and Sue nods her head in agreement

Coach Sue picks up a piece of paper and hands it to me with a smile on her face.

"What is this?" I ask taking the paper out of her hands to find out it's my acceptance letter. I furrow my eyebrows, "How'd you get this?"

"The better question is when were you going to tell me?" Sue asks and for a second she almost sounds hurt, "It's the nation's top cheerleading program and you got a full scholarship. Now, I know you don't want to be a cheerleader for the rest of your life. But this will get you a foot in the door. Maybe you can get a business degree; open up at taco truck. I'm still somewhat confused about your ethnicity."

"I'm confused," I say looking down at my acceptance letter, "How'd you get this?"

"Brittany thought of it. She wanted to remind you that you have so much to look forward to. She gets an idea once every couple years, and lucky for us this was a good one."

I look over at Brittany and smile, "Thank you. I don't know if this is 100% the answer for me, but just to know that I have somebody who believe me as much as you do." I shrug my shoulders, "I love you so much."

Brittany rolls her eyes and smiles, "I love you, too."

I pull Brittany into a hug and she wraps her arms around my back.

"Okay, now get out of my office." Sue says