If Only

Introduction

Women are delusional. As a woman, I feel like I can say that without much doubt or bias, and frankly I feel like it is something that needs to be said.

Of course, this statement does not include every woman ever, it is merely the best way to describe women like me; The women who watch films - where a perfectly chiselled man sweeps the apparently awkward and quirky (yet still supermodelesque) lady off her feet - and instantly fall in love with the idea of this perfect romance and the perfect guy. And it's not just the big screen either, it's the books too. They sell the idea that any normal girl straight out of college can find herself being propositioned by a handsome billionaire, and yes his soul is tortured and he's completely messed up, but he is ultimately this brilliant and caring guy (with a beautiful cock, may I add).

We couldn't even help ourselves if we tried. How are we supposed to defend ourselves against these heart-wrenching tales of an old man reading to his amnesiac wife so that she will remember who he is, and if she's a bird, he's a bird, and he wants all of her, every day and...God damn you, Ryan Gosling!

It's near impossible to not fall for the idea of that kind of love, and that is how the delusions start. Of course, not every woman who reads these books or watches these films thinks that her first love is going to have been waiting for her her entire life, or that that guy who she spilt her drink on in the coffee shop will end up being her husband someday, but I can guarantee every woman wants a guy just like the ones in these stories. We are drawn into these imaginary worlds, where men are these troubled, deep, heroic figures, but they are just that - imaginary. In reality, unfortunately, no man can live up to these crazy expectations we have of them.

I know I sound like a bitter and twisted man-hating old singleton, and truthfully I wish Mr. Darcy would come and ask me, against his better judgement, for my hand in marriage, but the simple fact is that's not going to happen any time soon - if ever.

It was recently brought to my attention, in probably the worst way possible, that not only do men like this not exist in the real world, but properly romantic and decent men are simply extinct (if they ever did roam the earth in the first place). We live in a world where the most romantic thing the average guy is likely to do is treat you to a meal at Nando's, and instead of buying you a brand new car as a birthday present, he is more likely to ask you to pay his rent. I am twenty-six years old, and I know it's a young age to give up on the idea of finding that 'one special guy' who will just take my breath away, but the more I think about this, the more I think that I'm right.

Women need to stop being delusional. I need to stop being so delusional. I need to remind myself of all those times that it was proved to me that what I'm looking for doesn't exist. I need to remember all the jerks, knobheads, idiots and fuck-faces, and then maybe I can finally put this silly notion to bed.

So, as the great Julie Andrews once said (sang), let's start at the very beginning, as it's a very good place to start.