I sigh for what seems like the fifteenth time of the night.
9-4-2009
I can't belive Ricky yelled at me for wanting to wear a dress that came above my knees. It was just for a stupid party that his friend was having. He makes me so angry sometimes. It's not fair that he can wear and do whatever he wants but when I want to wear a short dress to one of his friends parties its off limits. Screw the stupid party, I'm glad I didn't go. He probably just would've told me to f off and go play with dolls like he did at the last party. I swear to god he's been a complete prick latley! It's like whatever I do set's him off and it doesn't matter if I'm doing the dishes somethings wrong all. of . the. time. I hate that he doesn't talk to me anymore either. He doesn't tell me how his day went or anything.
Maybe it was a bad idea for us to get an apartment together. It was fine before we came to live here. Maybe he's under stress from bills? But it doens't matter, he's still getting mad at me and its utterly annoying. I'm done being yelled at like I'm a little rag doll, because I'm not. I'm 19 for fucks sake. Yes I said it fuckedy fuck fuck fuck! God, I really want to slap something .
Night.
I throw the stupid notebook across the room, sending it to hit the wall. I grab a pillow and scream into it. He just had to go to the party also and leave me here alone. I stand up and leave my room to walk down the hall. I go to the kitchen and grab a tea bag and turn the stove on, and wait for the kettle.
I hear the front door of the apartment close meaning that Ricky's home or some random person is coming into my home. I walk into the living room to see Ricky taking his shoes off. He looks up at me he see's me, then looks back down.
"What? Are you going to ignore me again? Like I'm nothing? Or wait, are you going to yell at me for doing something? Like I'm making tea, I might burn the house down! Tell me Ricky, tell me how I'm always wrong!" I shout making him stand up with wide eyes.
"What the fuck Emi?" He asks.
"Don't what the fuck me. You know. Ricky, you yell at me almost non-stop ever since we moved here. Is there something wrong with me?!" I shout again.
"I'm under a lot of stress, I'm sorry! I've been a dick I know but there's just something that keeps killing me!" He shouts back.
"What is it? Are you partying to hard? Or is it that at your job to many people have been bringing in used crap?" I stomp my foot.
"Shut the fuck up, Emi! You're being a complete bitch! I got offered to move to Pennsylvania and play bass for a band! I've been deciding wether I want to leave my life here and move down there and right now you're really making me want to move down there!" He shouts and stomps off.
I feel like my heart just stopped in my chest, like it literally cracked. I hear the kettle go off making me go into the kitchen. I pour the water into the mug and let it sit for a few seconds. I pick the mug up to only have it slip out of my hand. The mug and hot water go speeding down onto the ground, where the mug smashes into pieces and the liquid goes everywhere. I feel tears starting to fall down my cheeks.
"No!" I shout and bend down to pick up the pices of the mug. More and more tears pile out of my eyes causing my vision to go blury.
The mug pieces slip out of my hand, after a sharp pain goes through my hand. I lean back on the counter tears falling down my face like a waterfall. A few moans escape my lips as I feel like my heart is being crushed into milions of pieces just like the mug.
"Emi? What the fuck?!" Ricky shouts making another sob come out.
"I-I'm sorry! I-I'll clea-clean it up!" I say and go to pick up the mug pieces only to have my body be pulled away from the mess.
Ricky's arms go around me tightly as he pulls me into his chest. I sob into his shirt the tears not subsiding. I wrap my arms around him tightly feeling his shirt become wet.
"I-I'm s-sorry." I sob out.
"No, no baby I'm sorry." He whispers sounding so sad. "I'm such an ass hole, fuck. It's my fault you're upset. It's always my fault and I hate that. I hate that I'm hurting you so fucking much just over the fact that I got offered a job. I'm so sorry." He squeezes me, his words making more tears fall out my eyes.
I wipe my face into my shirt and look up at Ricky.
"Y-You have to g-go." I stutter out.
"No, I'm not leaving you." He shakes his head.
"Yo-You're not ha-happy here." A few tears escape my eyes. "You n-need to go live y-your d-dream." I nod to him.
"I don't care if it's my dream. You're my dream and I will never leave you. I promised." He argues.
"R-Ricky, stop." I shake my head breathing in heavily. "Live y-you're dream. Then, then you can c-come back and r-rescue me." I whisper looking down sniffling.
"You have to promise you'll be here when I get back." He whispers lifting my chin up.
"I-I promise." My voice cracks and another tear escapes my eyes.
Ricky wipes it away and presses his lips to mine softly. My heart sinks into my stomach as I realize I'm probably never going to see him again, never kiss him again. He removes his lips from mine and presses our foreheads together.
***
I lie on the couch looking at the TV but not watching anything. My mind is dead, I feel like I'm dead. I'm alone, completly alone. I could call my dad but I don't want him to get mad. I sniffle and watch as Grim walks across the screen. I turn the T.V. off and curl up into the couch closing my eyes tightly.
"Emi?" I hear Ricky whisper.
"Yes?" I say back, trying to not cry.
"I'm leaving." He states.
"Okay." I whisper squeezing my eyes shut feeling the tear trickle down my cheek.
The familiar jingle gets closer to me. I feel his lips on my head, and then they're removed. The jingling goes away to be replaced by the door opening then closing. I scream out tears falling down my face quickly. I stand up and run outside the door to see Ricky about to get in a car. I run over to him and grab his face, kissing him. He seems shocked but soon realizes and kisses back. I pull away and feel more tears falling down my cheeks.
"I love you." I whisper my heart breaking more every second.
"I love you." He whispers back looking just as sad as I feel.
"This isn't goodbye." He whispers again.
I nod in reply knowing that this is goodbye.
