July 12, 2017
The clouds darkened the sky and the sound of thunder could be heard rumbling in the distance. Narain didn't care about the impending storm. He just had to get out of here. He kickstarted his bike and zoomed out of the gates, startling the watchman and ignoring the cries of his parents in the distance.
His jaw clenched and he wondered if the force could make his teeth break.
Why didn't they understand him?
"Narain, you were in a very vulnerable state. Why didn't you tell us how they were ragging you in that college? We would've done something to help you! You might think that you like men but I'm sure that it was merely misplaced affection. Ravi was there in the right moment and at the right time. He took advantage of your vulnerable state and now you think that you're gay. It is really a misunderstanding!" Amma had said, trying to reason with Narain's own mind like he didn't know where his interests lay.
"Amma," he growled. "Ravi might have done all that you said but you cannot be seduced by someone unless you weren't attracted to them in the first place. Even before this whole mess, I used to find men attractive. I realised that I was gay since ninth standard after I was disgusted when a girl tried to kiss me back then," Narain answered back.
"Hold up. Who was this girl?" Annapoorani butted in eagerly.
Narain scowled at her but replied.
"Vinotha."
Annapoorani slapped the side of her thigh as she cackled.
"I knew that girl had a thing for you. She used to come by and ask if she could borrow your notes and stuff but I always sent her away. I never really liked her. I've always found that excessive sweet tone of hers suspicious," Annapoorani mused aloud.
"Narain, maybe you're wrong. You were too young at that age. Maybe you'll feel differently now. Why don't you try dating girls now? You might see them in a whole new light," Amma suggested hopefully, not really understanding Narain's feelings. He also wondered how many Indian parents would actually encourage their children to date.
Narain grew frustrated.
"What part of 'I am gay and like only men' do you not understand?" Narain asked barely refraining himself from shouting.
"Narain! Stop this gay nonsense! I've heard enough of this! You will marry a girl and you will be the perfect husband. You've already done enough fooling around and it's time for you to be serious about your life. Vimala, my uncle's granddaughter is willing to marry you. I suggest that you start getting to know her now. Once you graduate, you will marry her," Amma stated in a no nonsense tone of hers that usually works on all the hospital staff but it didn't work on Narain. In fact, it downright infuriated him.
"Amma! I will not marry Vimala or any other girl on this whole damn planet! If I ever do get married it will be to a man or I'll never marry at all! Do you understand me?" Narain finally shouted losing all semblance of cool.
"Amma maybe you should sit down-"
"I will not stand by and watch my only son disgrace this family by marrying another man. The very idea is disgusting and I don't understand why you don't seem to get it!" Amma shouted and Narain reeled back like she'd physically slapped him. Amma's eyes momentarily flashed with regret but it was soon covered by her steely determination.
"Disgusting?" Narain whispered. How is being attracted to a fellow human being disgusting?
"It's unnatural Narain and I won't let my son do something so ridiculous! I won't let you spoil your life because of this odd desire of yours. We can fix it! My friend is a psychiatrist and he told me that he counsels people who think they are homosexuals. We'll fix this, Kutty. Don't worry," Amma sounded panicked, like Narain was actually mentally ill and needed to be treated like a mental patient.
"Amma, it doesn't work that way-" Annapoorani tried to interject into the conversation But was cut off by Narain's humourless laughter.
"Unnatural huh? Homosexuality has been in our society from the beginning of time. I'm not asking to be fixed! Just accept me for who I am," Narain replied wondering why he had to beg to be accepted for being himself.
"Kutty, you don't know what you need. Don't worry, I'll take care of you. We'll fix you up and you'll be happy once you get married to Vimala. By then, you'll forget all about this absurd gay nonsense and we'll all have a good laugh about it together," Amma came closer to him and tried to pull him into a hug. Narain wondered if she realised how hysterical she sounded. Narain pushed her hands away from him and ignored his mother's wounded look.
"Narain, listen to your mother!" Appa's voice boomed in reprimand.
"What are you going to say Appa? Do you agree with Amma's conclusion that I am unnatural and disgusting?" Narain snapped back.
"Don't speak that way to me!" Appa scolded him but Narain remained unrepentant.
"Being a homosexual in our society is ill advised. You know very well that homosexuality is a punishable offence so I think it's best if you stop telling the whole world about your sexual preferences. Eventually you will be marrying a woman. I don't care what you do now but you should be aware of what your future holds," Appa stated in a grave tone.
Narain felt like somebody had just placed him in a cage and said that he would be trapped for life. He was being suffocated.
"No," he said in a low tone.
"No?" Appa asked dangerously.
"I won't hide my sexuality. I am who I am and if people don't accept me for who I am then fuck them! I don't need such people in my life, no matter who they might be," Narain said coldly looking pointedly at Amma and Appa. Amma gasped as tears ran down her cheeks.
"How dare you speak to us that way? You ungrateful - " Appa shouted and started to slap Narain. Narain tried to stop his punches but didn't really fight back. In the background, he could hear his mother and sister yelling at Appa to stop. Finally Appa shoved him away, breathing harshly.
"Get out! When you realise your mistakes, you may come back. I do not want a son who doesn't obey his parents," Appa finally said coldly.
"Then I guess you no longer have a son," Narain said in a frigid tone and strolled out.
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Tamil Glossary:
Amma - Mother
Appa - Father
Kutty - Little one
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