Goddess Magazine Stories/Articles

Who Are "Friends With Benefits" Really Benefiting? (June/July 2012)

Ah, Friends with Benefits. When I hear this, I think about the quirky film bearing the same name starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis. Aside from their agreement to a strictly sexual relationship, the two characters, Dylan and Jamie, suffered trial and tribulations that could happen in an actual committed relationship. Ultimately, their characters ended up together after discovering they were in love with each other.

But not all Friends with Benefits relationships end on that happy note. Don't get me wrong, both people can benefit from being single and just doing their thing. They are fun and spontaneous and you can have pure, unadulterated sex with someone and go home and not have to answer to them as you would an actual boyfriend or girlfriend.

When I hear the phrase again, I also cringe. I once had a very short lived “friend with benefits” experience when I was twenty and after I broke up with my then boyfriend (and first of everything) two years. When I was back on the market, I flirted with our mutual of our friends, which we shall call “K,” and leave it at that. When my ex and I broke up, he joked that me and this guy would get together. He lead me on, having me believe we were going to be an item, which especially boosted my confidence in the vulnerable state I was in after I broke things off with my ex). Low and behold, me and “K” started talking on the phone and hanging out at his place a few times a week. At first, we'd talk and watch movies and make out every now and then, until one thing lead to another. I'm sure you can guess the rest. Shortly after, “K” treated me differently and eventually, I stopped talking to him. My confidence was at an all-time low and I often wondered why I wasn't good enough, especially after seeing him with some of the other girls he'd been with. They were notoriously promiscuous and hardly had class. I felt dirty, used and like a tramp, even though I was giving up my loving for someone I thought I had feelings for at the time. I realized that this was not for me, and how did I benefit? I was still a young kid, but I knew that I was more of a commitment, long-term relationship kind of girl, not just some piece of meat for a couple night a week. Nothing positive ended up out of. It for me, even it it was only a one-time thing, and it wasn't even that great. He really sucked in bed! But, what would I know? I'd only been with one other person before him.

As an adult now, I've been with the same person for eleven years and married to him for seven. God forbid, if we were to ever separate, I would never get married again, but I would date. Being older and wiser, just maybe I would find just one person that I really have fun and get along with, and maybe even consider hooking up with every now and then. We all have sexual needs. But, that's a big maybe.

Nine time out of ten, friend with benefit relationships remain only that and will never progress to a long-term, meaningful relationship. One must also be careful when having a friends with benefit relationship. Your partner may have or had multiple partners while they were with you. Make sure to be tested for STI's at least every six months. And, with any sexual relations, you also have to consider an unplanned pregnancy. Whether it's casual sex or in a committed union-ship, there is always a chance of getting pregnant. Remember, you will have to co-parent with someone you are “just” having sex with. They will always have to be in your life.

Remember not to get territorial over the relationship. One of the friends become attached, even catch feelings, and want more, while the other may just not be ready to settle, and would rather continue with their playboy/playgirl lifestyle. It is often difficult to separate sex and emotions, and it must be done in order to maintain this type of relationship. Some people do not want to be tied down if those needs turn into talk of wedding bells and baby carriages. On the other hand, maybe both parties involved benefit if they both just want the same things. You must also have a strong strong rooted friendship and be very understanding and clear on the intentions of the friends with benefits status. If not, it can and will backfire, ruin, the friendship and cause hard feelings and bruised egos, especially if one or the other begin to date someone else seriously.

Having a friend with benefits can also have the potential to damage future relationships with other men/women. If they find out (someone will slip eventually) about the intimacy between you and a friend, your new love interest may become suspicious or jealous, not matter how long ago it may have happened, and they will be convinced that it will happen again or even question if they will be treated as a friend with benefits.

Have a sit down to talk about what you both want out of the relationship. Make sure you are both on the same page and if you have the slightest difference in opinion, you may want to reconsider before you hop in the sack with your BFF, or it could end your friendship permanently.