I Miss You

March 21, 2018

I thought about you today. How could I not? Your last day was Thursday. It didn't really hit me until then, either. Or maybe, it all happened before. When I first heard, I was stunned. You saw me, I couldn't speak.

When it first happened, it was just for the summer. Like every other year. I wasn't worried at all, rather proud of you because you have family there. And--the weather.

Then I heard it might be for good, who knows? And I prayed, God please don't. I was only stunned for a minute there, saying a silent prayer because oh, God, please no. And I didn't say anything to anyone, because God answered my last prayer about you.

Guess He only takes it one at a time.

"There's a 90% chance I'll be moving to Louisiana for good," you'd said. My eyes went huge, how long had you known? Does it really matter, though? Because everything else you'd ever told me was privately, and this was no exception. I couldn't speak, my first thought being You couldn't have said 91, and then a three-minute prayer.

The silence was broken by you, on a totally different subject. Probably about how crappy the school lunch is--which, you're not wrong.

I cried that night. And the night after. The next two weeks, I cried myself to sleep, prayed myself to sleep.

"My last day will be the 15th."

That's when I died.

I felt my heart break, the pieces shattering. That was in a week and a half...

And we had a thing called a weekend that separated us for a while.

I found out you were moving on the 20th, because I'm a curious child, and I immediately regretted it. I'd asked if you were moving on the 15th or 25th--couldn't remember what I'd heard--and you said the 20th. Seven plus thirteen, got us again. But your back was stiffened, your voice wasn't the same, and--

It was just like I'd said "y'all" in front of you.

Which, it didn't hit me until today, while driving home from Kentucky, why I hated you moving so much. It wasn't necessarily because you were my first friend to move, or because you're my best friend--which you don't even know, you don't know a lot of things--but rather, because I'm scared the move will kill you.

I texted Laney, as she's my other best friend. You and her, my two #1 people in my life.

Heh. Funny how the two people I hold most dear to my life are both moving within three months, isn't it?

First, it was a screenshot of a rant: "My best friend's last day in KC was YESTERDAY. NO NO NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I'M SCARED FOR THEM. THEY'VE TOLD ME THINGS. I'M SCARED FOR THEIR MENTAL HEALTH WHICH CAN CAUSE THEM TO RUIN THEIR PHYSICAL HEALTH. THEY CAN NOT BE THERE, AND I CAN'T REALLY TALK TO THEM. THEY DON'T HAVE A PHONE, JUST AN EMAIL, AND I ALREADY ABUSED MY CHANCE FOR THAT. I'M REALLY, TRULY SCARED THAT I MIGHT LOSE THEM??"

Leilani asked what you'd said. I didn't want to go into detail, because I'm a loyal friend. But this is what I said:

Louisiana is toxic to him. Something happened when he was an infant, something when he was older (I think, that should've been down south), and it's just... his family down there isn't the best, the entire family situation isn't something he should have to be a part of. Let's just say, remember how we both loved the same artist? He stopped listening to him. Something about modern music. And then his accent started coming out of NOWHERE. And then he'd punch his leg, punch the table. Because dear gosh he hadn't said one thing in his accent for years (until I pointed out that he did, once, last year, with the artist [maybe that's why he stopped listening]) and didn't want to start now. But then, beginning of 2018, I had to stop saying y'all in front of him (which I kinda started saying because of my ELA teacher). And every time I slipped, we both made eye contact, had the same scared face, I said sorry like 3 times (keep in mind I slipped more than once), and then shut up for a bit. I accidentally said it on Thursday, I turned BRIGHT RED BECAUSE DANG IT YOU'D GONE ALMOST TWO WEEKS AND TODAY'S HIS LAST DAY, and his response to my sorry sorry sorry sweet Cheez-its and punching myself was, "I'm gonna start saying that here soon," while stabbing a stick into the ground and staring into space. IT DIDN'T REALLY HELP EITHER THAT I, RANDOMLY, IN LIKE FEBRUARY, STARTED PICKING UP HIS ACCENT THAT HE NEVER SPOKE IN??? AND WOULD RANDOMLY SAY SOMETHING THE SOUTHERN WAY, LOOK HIM IN THE EYE CUZ OH GOSH JUST GO AHEAD AND PUNCH ME I DESERVE IT, AND HE WOULD ??LAUGH AT FIRST?? WHILE I JUST STOPPED MID SENTENCE AND LET SOMEONE ELSE TALK. He was having a tough time with it, especially after he found it he was moving--and the reason I'm hesitant to tell you any of this? I found out about 99.99% of this practically privately.

I'm scared. I'm scared you're going to develop depression, because oh gosh Louisiana is truly toxic to you and your health. Why are you moving first, after all? I mean, Zach isn't even moving for four more days, Jaz until July, and your... mom... isn't moving at all!

I just want you here.

Where I know you'll be safe.