Friday Night Dinner

Awkward Encounters of the Goodman Kind

Martin held up one hand as if to say 'HALT!' Don't do it. Martin, please don't taste it. Oh my god he tasted it. Watching it felt like an eternity, the unsure shaky arm sneaking its way passed his whitey tighties onto his inner thigh. The small scoop of brown smudge now on his finger making its way to his probably already dirty mouth. I honestly felt the need to throw up everything I've eaten in my life. The weird lick really made my stomach growl with displeasement. I couldn't look away though. I wanted to see his reaction,to know why he did it. Why Martin? Why are you doing this to yourself, its really not worth the risk. He gagged and ran back into the bathroom. I held my hand to my mouth not wanting to vomit. WHY MARTIN?
He emerged a second later laughing.

"I'm just kidding I had a Rolo on the toilet,"

"How have you not died of cholera?" Adam's voice squeaked.

"Cholera? I hardly know'er!" Martin's Dad joke earned a groan from the kids. And a laugh turning into a coughing fit from the funnyman himself. We all traipsed to the kitchen, Adam was getting a drink while Jonny and I pretended to nibble on some snacks. I could feel Aunty Jack's eyes burning the back of our heads.

"So Pusface-" I began.

"Adam are you going to help your father set up his resume tonight? You know how he is with technology," Jackie cut me off. Pusface groaned and sulked by me heading to Martin.

"Do I have to?" He leaned against the door frame, "it's just a word document,"

"You're talking about a man who not once but thrice mistaked a stapler for the mouse," Jonny put in his two cents.

"This might take all night," Adam whispered with dread.

"Just go! I need to talk to these two...alone," Aunty Jack shooed.

"Ooh, you're in trouble!" Adam sang and poked me. I shoved him off.

"Piss of Pusface," I muttered.

"No. I want to stick around for the beating. Did you catch them doing something naughty? Is Jonny pregnant?" Adam kept teasing. It was getting harder and harder not to expose him and shout 'You called your mother during sex!' He was pushed out of the kitchen by his mother.

"You two need to control yourselves. Stop giggling like a pair of school girls and grow up," her wooden spoon wacked us.

"Hey!" Jonny complained, "there's soup on that!" He ate it off his shirt instead of getting a tissue.

"If you say anything you're disowned," she uses her spoon as an index finger, flicking more soup on us in the process. We agreed to stop acting like we had a huge secret from Adam. It was really hard not to break though. He kept saying these sexual innuendos or teased us but everytime we'd think of a comeback Aunty Jack shot us a glare.

"Ugh!" Jonny spat out his water on the dinner table, "you bastard!" He slapped Adam's arm.

"Haha! Skill McGill," Pusface bowed.

"When did you even do that?" Jonny drank some wine instead.

"What are you boys on about?" Aunty Jack asked.

"Its gin,"

"You used my good gin for your prank?" She asked Adam, who now looked like a deer in the headlights, "Martin! Your son used my good gun for his stupid joke!" Martin stood up and began hitting Jonny.

"You. Mustn't. Use. Your. Mother's. Gin. It's her depressed drink," he hit Jonny on every word.

"Not me! Pusface!"

"Oh. You. Mustn't. Use. Your. Mother's. Gin." He repeated his actions, "almost as bad as calling her in the middle of the night during sex,"

Everybody dropped everything. Everyone's mouths were open in shock. Martin on the other hand just kept eating like he hadn't dropped a massive bombshell.

"What?" Adam's focus went straight to his mother then he looked away. I don't know what to do, no ones talking or laughing. Now I'm laughing, why am I laughing? Now Jonny's laughing. Why are we doing this? This is so absurd.

"That's hilarious!" I yelled, "and also definitely the first time I'm hearing about it," I spoke nonchalantly. It wasn't convincing at all.

"You-you heard me?" He couldn't look his mother in the eye, "why didn't you hang up?!"

"I thought you were in trouble. All I could hear was you groaning-"
Then everyone groaned, not wanting to know what Adam sounds like when he climaxes, "what? I used to hear it all the time when you were younger!"

"Pusface never brought any girls around when he was-nope. I got it. Carry on," I stopped talking before I embarrassed myself any further.

"I can't believe you told everyone! Who else knows? Don't tell me Aunty Val-" Adam stopped at his guilty looking Mum, "oh god, not the Greens?"

"Of course not! Only family!"

"Oh my god Grandma knows!" Jonny was cackling. Adam stood up and stormed out of the dining room.

"I'm sorry bobble!" Aunty Jack followed him, as did Jonny and I.

"Why did you mention the Greens?" I asked then gasped, "was it with Tanya?" Aunty Jack looked impressed.

"Oh my, was it Tanya?" She was jubilant. Pusface had his jacket on already and had opened the front door.

"I'm not talking to you about this, oh get out of the way Jim!" He stormed passed the neighbour to his car. None of us decided to let Jim in so I awkwardly and slowly shut the door.

"Sorry," I whispered.