A Huge Mess.

13* Suicide.

This is really edgy. I might regret this after waking up tomorrow because of how cringy this is. Probably will delete soon.

"I want to die"

Common phrase in my vocabulary, if you ask me.

My friend told me that if you keep saying that phrase, the chances of it actually happening will increase.

And jokingly, I repeated the phrase over and over.

Since this is a book that is littered with sensitive topics, I hope you wouldn't mind me cutting back to when I wanted to die.

Haha.

Cutting back.

Anyway.

I just wanted to share that night when I attempted to kill myself.

I'm not giving you backstory. What I type in here will stay like that.

I haven't really told anyone personally about this in full detail like this, but I'm sharing it here.

To possibly some strangers.

I don't care.

Believe me though, I'm not saying this to get pity votes and comments and reads. This is true, okay?

If you think I'm doing this for exposure, then stop reading.

Leave.

How I wanted to die wasn't too harsh tho. It was a really weak move.

So my parents got extremely disappointed in me because I did something.

I wanted to die.

I fucking cried after my dad left the room.

My dad told me that tomorrow, I'm going to live in my mom's place. (My parents live in different places. I visit my mom from time to time.)

My dad told me that tomorrow, I'm going to tell the school service driver that I'm not going to school anymore.

My dad told me that tomorrow, was going to be the last day I'll be in school.

I cut my skin to shit.

It didn't matter if it hurt.

It didn't matter where it was.

I fucking hated myself.

I rarely bleed that much, so I just started to get my bag and get my clothes to prepare for tomorrow.

The night was thursday, and the next day will be friday. Which means it'll be the perfect day for me to leave the house.

My grandma enters the room.

I grab a chair and stand on it to reach for the bag I'm gonna use to store my clothes in, brushing off the fact that I have thin red lines on my left wrist

Grandma finds out.

Turns out that my whole fucking hand was bleeding.

I didn't really notice at first but immediately went to the bathroom and washed the blood off.

It didn't matter if bacteria was gonna enter my bloodstream.

Nothing mattered.

I just planned to kill myself on that night.

My dad enters.

Grandma is saying some shit in a different language. I just sit on my bed and cry.

My grandma tells me I should use some medicine.

I said I'm alright.

My grandma leaves.