For Your Eyes Only

34

Nate's eyes stay unblinking on the wall behind me and he has now masked his emotions which leaves me feeling dull and alone.

"No," I tell them after blinking a few times. I turn my head in their direction and force a polite smile. "That's okay. But thank you."

I bring my eyes back to Nate's but his have now moved to the ground that I walk on. I look down to see what on earth has caught his attention and when I see that I am barefoot and dirty from my rash decision to sprint across multiple lawns, I wiggle my toes. His eyes snap back up to mine and I can't hold back a genuine, amused smile.

My brain just simply cannot comprehend that Nate can see me wiggle my toes.

I don't know how long we stand there looking at each other but when the back door slides shut and chatter dims in the backyard, it is obvious that Nate and I are left alone and we have been for some time.

I grip my letter tighter, giving me something to keep me earthbound.

"The surgery worked." My voice is slow and wondrously quiet that I'm not sure if he hears me and he doesn't give any sign that he did or not. He just watches me.

The way he is looking at me now is unsettling. It's no longer in a way that makes me think that he can see into my soul. Instead, he is intelligibly grazing the surface, monitoring my reactions. 

I sigh and lick my lips, now uncomfortable and feeling incredibly parched. Nate's gaze drops to my mouth before flickering back up in a steady leer.

"I know you said you didn't want to see me and I respect that but I need you to know that I am so deeply sorry and I never meant for things to go down the way that they did," I say shifting from one foot to the other.

Something flashes over his eyes, a new emotion for me to see, but it vanishes before I can read it. But something tells me it relates to the same sadness I am feeling.

Nate still remains silent and suddenly I want to scream at him.

After a few more moments of utter silence, anger starts to bubble up in my chest.

"Gained your sight but lost your speech now, Nate?" I bite my tongue and cross my arms over my chest as if to protect myself from hurting any longer. I can't stop the bitter self inflicted words from pushing out of my mouth. I tend to say mean thing when I'm mad. But I'm not mad at him at all. I simply hate myself.

I want more than anything to reach forward and wrap my arms around his torso and have him concoon me the way that he does when he holds me.

Nate shakes his head as if to swipe away whatever daze he is put under. "I don't know what to say."

"Say what's on your mind. Say what you are feeling!" Fresh tears spring to my eyes as if on cue. "Because I can tell you that I hurt so badly I couldn't get out of bed for weeks! Every fiber in my body misses you and needs you close to me. I'm not trying to justify not telling you and I'm surely not trying to cover myself for the hand that I had in it but I am asking for your forgiveness, Nate. Please forgive me because I love you so much."

His face scrunch up in pain at my last words and the dam inside me breaks open at his feet.

"My feelings towards you have never been a lie. Sure, I was curious about you but that never, ever made me fall for you the way that I did. Everything between us was real, every moment, every confession, everything. I have never lied to you, Nate.

"I wanted to come clean for so long about that night but it never seemed like a good time. I know that sounds stupid. Trust me, I know. But I don't know how else to put this into words. I didn't want what we had built up to come crashing down because the thought of losing you in any way kills me. And that has been proven over the past couple of weeks. I guess..." I look off to the side where there is a mirror hanging on the wall and catch a glimpse of my now tears stained self. I shake my head and allow a few more to fall before I latch them back on to Nate. "I guess, I understand if you want nothing to do with me anymore. But I need you to know that I love you. I will never stop loving you. I meant what I said on the fact that you have my heart and soul, Nathaniel. Forever. And I will never accept it back."