Tevun-Krus #55 - May The 4th Be With You: The Space Opera Special

Why Space Opera Is Still Better Than a Real Opera - by @PhonerionBallznevsky

Why Space Opera Is Still Better Than a Real Opera

by PhonerionBallznevsky

I[1] divorced[2] my wife[3] last night.[4] I don't need to explain the reason.[5] But let's just say it involved the Sequel Trilogy[6] to the original[7]Star Wars movies. So, yeah, she's gone. Kicked to the curb.[8] Good riddance.[9]

And there I was, watching her through the window of her hotel room with a pair of high-powered binoculars,[10] contemplating some serious revenge.[11] I needed to act. Making sure my trusty blaster had a fresh charge, I stormed the hotel, booting aside the concierge[12] and slamming my fist against the elevator when I realized I needed a damn keycard to use it.

"Sir, would you please leave?" the concierge asked, hand on his hip. I was tempted to shoot it off, like Han did in IV.[13]

I told him: "You best be quiet, boy, or I'll shove my big gun down your throat and spray it full of blaster juice."[14]

He went red. "Oh. Sir. I didn't know you felt that way about me.[15] I'm— I'm flattered. Shall we meet up... later...?"

"What? No! Get away from me, you freak!" I shot near his feet and he let out a squeal before dancing[16] off to hide beneath the front desk.

"Dick Harding,[17] I take it?" asked a voice from behind.

I spun and saw a tall, muscular, tanned blond-haired man—with one glorious fucking chin—coming out of the elevator. He was beautiful. Just utterly... utterly handsome. So breathtaking. I almost died upon seeing him.[18] "How do you know that?" I asked.[19]

He held out his enormous hand,[20] and he crushed every bone in mine when we shook. "Darth Cunnilingus.[21] Leia's told me so much about you."

"Darth—? Leia—?" I kept blinking. I didn't understand what was happening.[22]

"Yes, Darth is my first name," he said, grinning those perfect white teeth again. My underwear got a little wet.[23] His eyes went wide and he added, "Oh, that's right. You're confused about Leia. I thought you already knew. Your ex-wife changed her name to Leia. You know, like in Star—"[24]

"Yes, I know Star Wars," I hissed. "I don't understand. She hated Star Wars."

He shook his head and chuckled in a self-indulgent way.[25] "No, no. You're mistaken. She hated the Original Trilogy until I managed to... convince her.[26] You see, while you were still married she would always tell me after we had sex—"

"What?"

"Oh, that's right, you don't know," Darth said, grinning. "You're a cuckold,[27] Dick. I was railing Leia pretty much every night she said no to being railed by you.[28] She couldn't stand you, Dick. She hated how you'd treat her like dirt because she enjoyed the Prequel Trilogy and Jar Jar Binks."[29]

"But it's literal cancer," I argued.[30]

Darth put his hand up. "Oh, I know, Dick. You don't need to convince me, believe me.[31] And the Sequel Trilogy"—he lifted one leg and farted[32]—"enough said. But sometimes a man needs to tell a little lie to keep his lady happy, Dick. And you just couldn't do that."

I collapsed against the wall. This was too much to take.[33]

"Well, ta-ta, Dick. I really hope you find what you're looking for in life." He started to leave the hotel lobby.