Oh Honey,
We were on set yesterday. This meant Brian, Tyler and I were all going to be in the same room for a long time and would probably end up having a conversation between ourselves. Mine and Tyler's k*ss has happened 2 weeks ago. We hadn't spoken about it since. I also knew that he hadn't told Brian it happened because he has been completely normal with me and didn't seem angry or anything close.
We had to tell him eventually.
So i decided. I was on set, i was going to see Tyler and we had to talk about it. We couldn't leave it to rot anymore. We k*ssed. He k*ssed me. Fuck. I hate saying it. It makes me feel dirty and gross and disgusting.
We had finished filming, so there was nothing in my way. I walked up to Tyler while Brian had gone to the bathroom.
"Hi." I said. It was an awkward 'hi', kind of a fuck you hi. His face told me he understood.
"Hi." He replied in the same tone. Oh Honey, he had no right to be mad at me. This was his fault.
"Have you told him?" I asked. "Are you still going out with him? You still acting like he means anything to you?" I was going off, sis. I wasn't going to have it anymore. Tyler was toxic. And yes, i may have been (and unfortunately may still be) addicted to him but he's bad for Brian so that's where i draw the line.
"I haven't told him! Are you fucking crazy? Why in the world would I-"
"Hey guys!" Fuck. Tyler and I turned to the side to see Brian staring at us with furrowed brows. "Why are you guys arguing?" He frowned.
"Well-" Tyler started. I cut him off because he's a bitch ass piece of shit. "No reason. Just mad about how i looked in the last episode." I chuckled, slowly punching Tyler as my way of yelling at him for almost exposing my whole life to Brian.
"Yep." Tyler nodded.
"Aw, i think you looked great Trix." Brian came up to me and twirled his finger around a lock of my wig. "You're beautiful." He kissed my cheek and grabbed Tyler's hand. "You wanna come to my dressing room, Ty?" He winked suggestively like a fucking high schooler.
Tyler nodded and they both chuckled, briskly walking towards Brian's dressing room.
So i was left alone. Standing in the middle of the set wondering what had put me in this position. Oh wait. I knew what had put me in that position. That fucking k*ss with Tyler.
As i stood there, alone, i evaluated the situation. I could easily go to Brian's dressing room and tell him the truth. What's the worse that could happen?
I mean, he could stop talking to me for a while and break up with Tyler. He would never stop speaking to me forever and once i explained what happened to him he'd just forgive me anyways.
So once i had considered it all and realise it would've all worked out in my favour, i could my legs taking steps closer and closer towards his dressing room. I was outside the door before i knew it. And i was confident, honey. I felt like i knew exactly what the outcome would be and i felt as though i knew i was right and Brian could never be mad at me.
You'll see in just a few moments how wrong i was.
I knocked on the door. I could hear shuffling and bumps on the other side before eventually seeing Tyler open the door. His hair has fallen flat; it was high and well buffed before, and he had Katya's shade of red lipstick smothered on his lips and neck. I look behind him and see Brian as Katya with lipstick on her teeth and her lace front torn to pieces.
Wow. They were alone for 5 minutes. Yet so much damage was done.
I opened my mouth to speak. I stopped. No words were coming out. This happened for a few minutes.
"Brian, you okay?" Brian asked me. I stared at him a few seconds longer than usual. He looked so happy. And i was going to rip that app apart because of a stupid k*ss. But, if we've learnt anything from any movie or disney channel sitcom, it's best to tell the truth from the get go rather than have him find out in any other way, shape or form.
"Can we talk?" I said. I avoided looking at Tyler. Mostly because he would use his eyes to try and make me not tell Brian. And i had to tell Brian. I can't live with the lie anymore. It's been the most torturous last few weeks.
"Erm, yeah sure." Brian said wearily. "Do you wanna go somewhere else...or..." He looked around the dressing room. He was hosting at the fact Tyler was here and whether or not i wanted him to hear what i was about to say.
Oh honey, forget Tyler hearing what i was about to say- he lived it.
"No. It's okay. Tyler can listen." I breathed. awe walked to his small couch and we sat down. Tyler sat on the chair in front of Brian's vanity and turned it to face us.
"Go on." Brian gestured.
There was no going back. So i looked at Tyler. He had wide and worried eyes. He was biting his nails but i could tell he had accepted what i was going to say. I didn't know if that comforted me or made me feel worse.
"So," I took a shaky breath. I was fucking nervous, Honey. I was really fucking nervous. "Tyler and I... we..." I had no right to start crying. Every fibre of my being was trying to hold in the tears that were so close to falling down my cheeks. I did a bad thing. This is my fault. "Tyler and I... we... we kissed." I looked down. No part of me felt the need to look up at his reaction.
"What do you mean you kissed?" The stress in Brian's voice grew evident.
"We kissed. We made out." I closed my eyes tight. What was i doing? Why was i saying this?
"I don't understand. I don't believe you." I felt the weight on the couch shift. He had stood up.
I grew confidence and opened my eyes. I looked up at Brian, he was staring down at me and then looking at Tyler. His eyes were watery. See, he was the one who was supposed to be upset. "Why would you do that?" His voice was shaky. He seemed so hurt. I knew he was going to eventually get mad but he looked so sad, and that made me feel like the shittiest person in the world.
"I'm so sorry." I whispered, looking back down and staring at nothing. I had never felt more gross or ashamed in my life.
"Leave. Both of you. Please." He said.
Everything after that was not worthy enough to tell you about. Nothing was resolved and nothing has made me feel better.
I hurt my best friend. I'm a shit person.
Love, Trixie.
