IF YOU'RE LUCKY (COMPLETE)

20. Sunset

Oh my God, Benji!

Suddenly, my heart sank as it becomes weighed down with hurt and guilt. Benji hadn't called me or talked to me about any of this. I know that I haven't spoken to him in weeks, but he needed someone now more than ever and I didn't even find out about any of this until now. I knew I had no right to feel disappointed that he didn't reach out to me, but I did.

Without thinking about the consequences of my actions, I bolt out of that theatre. I run through the lobby and up the elevator, my heart pounding out of chest. I had no plan, no big monologue. I ran through the hallway and I was suddenly in front of his door. Standing in front of it now, I realized so had nothing to say.

What the hell are you going to say, Vicky!? Hey, I know I haven't seen you in weeks and I'm the one that broke us apart, but sorry about your dad even though he hated my guts? He's probably not even here, the funeral was today, Dumbass.

At that point, I really didn't know how I was here. I'm about to turn around, when suddenly the door swings open. A lump forms in my throat when I see Benji for the first time since we broke up.

***

BENJI POV

"Victoria?", is the only thing that comes out of my mouth. Just when my emotions couldn't get any more confusing, she would show up in front of my office. I had come back to the office thinking I could work my thoughts out of my head, but to no avail.

What do I do? Do I leave? Do I let her in?

I was stuck, I didn't have a clue on what to do. Looking at her mended my heart and broke my heart all over again at the same time.

She was just as beautiful since I saw her last. Her raven hair was long and shiny, she wore it down today and it gently rested on her sides. I clench the doorframe, resisting the urge to run my hand through it. And her eyes, I missed staring into those emeralds. The office was dim, but they shined bright. 

But as much as I missed her, she was he last person I needed to see right now. I was already confused and frustrated at how we left things and although my father had passed, I felt a tremendous guilt that the only thing I could think of was that I was partially glad he was out of my life. All my feelings for her and strange emotions I had about my father and his death jumbled all over my head.

"Benji, I...", she says quietly. She pauses, she seems unsure of what to say. "I'm—"

"What are you doing here, V?", I scoff. I didn't mean to come off so cold, but I was having trouble thinking.

"I— well, um", she stammers. She crosses her arms over her chest, biting her bottom lip. She looks away from me now, concentrating on the floor.

"Victoria", I sigh. "You left me like I was nothing, like I meant nothing. And you want to come here because you, what? Want to comfort me?" I laugh bitterly, unknowing why I was so angry. "My father just died, V and the last thing I need right now is my ex girlfriend pretending like she cares about me".

As soon as those words leave my lips, I can see the hurt and shock in her face. I immediately regret what I've said.

"Wait, V—"

"This was a mistake", she whispers, her voice trembling. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come". Before I could reach out and stop her, she turns away and runs.

Frustrated by everything and myself, I slam the door as she disappears down the hallway. I turn around and thump my back against the door.

"Fuck!", I shout, scrambling to find the closest thing to me. I find a glass novelty ashtray on the table next to me and I grab it only to chuck it at my bookcase. It hits the shelf and shatters, glass falling to the ground. I slide down the door, sitting on the floor with my hands running down my face.

After what seems like an eternity on the floor, I force myself up and pick up what was left of the ashtray off the floor. The sun from my window reflects off the small pieces, shooting prisms of light around the floor. Although it was broken, it shined.

I throw all the big pieces into the trash and head over to the window. I watch the sun go down over the city, the Vegas lights glittering into the night sky. Even after everything, I was reminded of Victoria.

I become consumed with my thoughts. I think about my dad and how I'd barely known the man. I think about how lonely it was to grow up in a large house, but empty home. I thought about the fake friendships I've made, the hollow women I've slept with. All of it had made me disenchanted, careless about the world my father brought me into and was trying to set up for me.

It's not like I was ungrateful and I risk sounding like a spoiled brat, but none of it meant anything to me. What use was money and cars and women when I still felt empty inside? I needed real and raw and to feel some kind of emotion other than emptiness.

And then I met V. Damn. She didn't rock my world, she showed me a new one. She filled an empty pace with love and light. She was strong and beautiful. Victoria Muller was a hurricane and I was trapped in the eye of the storm willingly. When I met her, I wanted every part of her. Her heart, her body, her world.

But I knew she didn't fit in with me like I did with her. I didn't expect her to anymore because I knew I didn't fit either.

Thinking about all this, made all those jumbled emotions and thoughts become perfectly clear.

I had asked her to work too hard for me when I should've made loving me easy. I knew that it was my fault, that I was the one that pushed her away. I couldn't lose her. I couldn't lose her heart, her body, her soul. I needed to work hard for her now, I had to.

I realized that it didn't matter if I fit in hers and it was impossible for her to fit in mine. But I didn't care.

I love her.

***

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Ugh, writing these sad and amazing and emotional roller coaster-y chapters have me in my own feels!

Benji made a revelation! What do you guys think of that!?

I wonder what he's thinking now

🤔🤔🤔

The window and overlooking the city is a big theme in this book. It's a place where both of them reflect despite their different lives and backgrounds. It's like a common ground for them both. I think they both come to a lot of conclusions and ideas during this time.

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