santana and brittany

los padres y la abuela

"¿Quién va a ser tu próximo novio?" (Who's gonna be your next boyfriend?)

"Ma!" Mr. Lopez says and Mrs. Lopez laughs, "Let's not putting any ideas into her mind."

"Por favor," (Oh, please.) Abuela says shooing Mr. Lopez away, "¿Tienes novio?" (Do you have a boyfriend?) Abuela asks looking at me and I see Santana covering her mouth with her hand in the corner of my eye

"No, I'm just focusing on me at the moment."

"Exactly!" Mr. Lopez says, "Santana, be like Brittany!" Santana rolls her eyes

"Santana, your all bones like Jesus on the cross," her Abuela says in English. That's the first time I've ever heard her speak in a language that isn't Spanish, "Eat!"

I look down at her plate and realize Santana hasn't touched anything. It must be all the butterflies in her stomach that are keeping her full.

Santana reaches under the table and grabs my hand, "Abuelita, I have something I want to talk to you about." she looks at her parents, "Mom, dad, this is for you guys too but I really want to tell Abuela the most."

"Okay, who cares? Talk with your mouth full." she says and Santana smiles

She picks up her fork and places exactly three grains of rice on it before eating. I furrow my eyebrows and look around at everyone and see that everyone is watching her really hard.

"Look," Santana starts and she gives my hand a light squeeze, "I have to tell you guys a secret. A secret that I've kept hidden for a long time." she reaches her hand out and her Abuela holds it on the table, "Your so special to me-"

"Santana, are you pregnant? Because I will beat you with this chair."

I laugh and so does Santana, "No, Abuela. It's not that." she lets out a deep breath, "It's just that I've watched you my whole life and you've always been so strong. Done exactly what you believed and never cared about what anyone thought of you."

"Tell me about your life. I know mine."

"Abuelita, I love girls the way I'm supposed to feel about boys." Santana says slowly. Her Abuela's chest rises very high and falls very low, "It's just something I've always hidden and I really wanted to share it with you because I love you so much. I want you to know me, who I really am." Santana looks at me and my eyes begin to water, "When I'm with Brittany, I finally understand what people are talking about when they talk about love. And I've tried so hard to push this feeling away and keep it locked inside but everyday just feels like a war." I wipe the tears away because I don't want to cry until someone else begins to cry, "And I walk around so mad at the world but I'm really just fighting with myself. And I don't wanna fight anymore. I'm just too tired. I have to just be me." she looks around the table, "Say something please."

"Everyone has secrets, Santana. They're called secrets for a reason." her Abuela throws her napkin on the table and pulls her hand out of Santana's

Uh-oh.

"Abuela," Santana's voice is shaky and I can tell she's about to cry, "I'm the same person I was a minute ago!"

"You made your choice and now I have made mine." Abuela says and she looks at Mr. Lopez, "Take me home."

"But why?" Santana leans back in her chair and lets go of my hand

"I find it selfish of you to make me uncomfortable. The sin isn't in the thing, it's in the scandal people talk about it out loud." her Abuela stands up, "It's bad enough that your anorexic but now you want to be an anorexic lesbian?"

"Anorexic?" I ask out loud but nobody responds. I feel like a breeze is coming over me.

"So your saying it would've been better if I was to keep this a secret?" her voice cracks

"Take me home." she says again to Mr. Lopez, who wipes his eyes before standing up. I didn't even realize he was crying.

He walks around the table and kisses Santana on the cheek gently, "We'll talk about this when I get back."

She falls forward and begins to sob, her tears form a puddle on the table. Me, not knowing what to do, sits there before realizing I should probably comfort her. I wrap my arm around her and pull her onto me.

Mrs. Lopez gets up and walks into the kitchen. She walks back out with a cupcake and places it in front of us. I don't know why.

She pulls a chair around the table and sits on the right side of Santana.

"Mommy." Santana sobs, now falling onto Mrs. Lopez

Mrs. Lopez begins to cry and rubs her back, "I know baby."

This is all my fault. I told her to come out to her. I told her that if she wasn't going to be able to be with me unless she came out and now that she did, she lost her Abuela.

To be with me, she had to loose her Abuela and that hits me really hard causing tears to form in my eyes but I quickly blink them away because I have no reason to be crying. I'm not the one who just lost someone to gain someone else.

Now that I feel like it's my fault, there's no reason to be here. I stand up and look down at Santana who isn't crying as hard but is still crying.

"Okay, um, I gotta go." I say and want to punch myself because that was just horrible

Santana picks her head up, giving me a clear look of her face, runny mascara and everything, "No, wait. Where are you going?"

"I gotta go home." I punch myself, in my head, cause that was also awful

"Your gonna leave me too?" she asks and my heart breaks along with hers

I look at Mrs. Lopez, hoping that she could say something to help but she looks away and keep running her fingers through Santana's hair.

I bend down and peck her lips, "I love you." I whisper so only that she could hear it, which is strange to say since her mom is less than two inches away from us

She doesn't say it back. She just turns her head and looks straight at the wall. I give Mrs. Lopez a small smile before walking out of the living room.

I place my phone in my back pocket as I put my shoes on by the front door.

I'm still holding everything together, but when I get into my car I let everything out.