Friday Night Dinner

What Happened in Vegas

"Have you cheated on her with yourself yet?" I poured myself a glass of red. Adam gulped and hesitated answering but eventually nodded. Johnny and I giggled. We then heard Aunty Jack laughing with Martin. She slapped his shoulder and the boys and I froze and gasped.

"Ooh Jesus!" Martin grabbed his shoulder and bent over. He was there for a good 20 seconds before standing up straight.

"You alright love?" Aunty Jack went to touch his shoulder again but Martin flinched.

"Yes my dear," Martin took another deep breath and sat in his seat. The boys and I kept looking at one another and Aunty Jack could tell that the atmosphere was a little strained.

"Okay what's going on?" Oh shit she looked properly worried.

"Nothing" Johnny snapped.

"What are you talking about?" Adam downed his water without choking for once. I didn't respond but I did take a huge gulp of wine..and another...and another. All while Aunty Jack was staring at me, I managed to finish my glass.

"Woah," I burped and giggled, proud of myself for not throwing up.

"What did you do to her?" Aunty Jack slapped Johnny on his arm again.

"Ouch! Nothing! I swear!" Johnny's voice went so high pitched. I scoffed and started pouring myself another glass.

"Let's not talk about how...shit your son is. Let's talk about Pusface's female again!" I cheered, hoping to change the subject. I peeked over to Martin who was digging into his dinner with one hand and cutting up his food with his fork.

"You have a female?" Martin raised his bad arm and cried out, "ah you shitting tit!" He ran out of the room grabbing his arm. Aunty Jack got up but I stopped her.

"He's fine! He just doesn't want to cancel sex night" The boys groaned and threw a carrot at me, "I mean, he hurt his shoulder doing some manly things but he doesn't want you to find out because you might cancel sex night,"

"Stop saying it!" Adam cried out.

"Why do you even have a designated night?" Johnny asked, disgusted.

"What do you mean by 'manly things'?" Aunty Jack fiddled with her necklace. I really didn't want to answer with anything toilet related.

"Unclogging the bog " I shrugged, her posture went flat again.

"Oh," the doorbell rang, "are you serious? Right in the middle of dinner! Adam go answer the door will you?"

"Of course," he sighed.

"So..what's going with you two?" Aunty Jack was cautious with her questioning. I grimaced and took a sip of water. She turned to Jonny who squirmed under her gaze. I joined in, there was a certain pleasure watching a grown man being afraid of his own mother.

"Um. I might be, I-I might still be married to Lisa" he spoke with a small voice.

"Oh she has a name now!?" I shouldn't be getting too mad she was a lovely girl.

"That American girl? That was years ago Johnathan! You should have sorted that out straight away!" She slapped Jonny with her scarf.

"I know! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Okay?" There was no time for any awkward moments between family because Jim walked in an took that moment and made it his own.

"Hello Jackie...and the rest" he grabbed his gonads for what seemed like no reason at all and gave Wilson a glare.

"Hi Jim,"

"Says he wants to borrow something and it's vital that it's from you," Adam returned to his seat.

"Oh?" Aunty Jack seemed worried, I focused on their interaction rather than looking at Jonny. I knew I was being selfish, I just needed to calm down before either crying on his shoulder or choking him to death.

"Yes well I've made rather an interesting discovery you see. Wilson here isn't that old of a puppy and...well..you see...she is a he," the khaki wearing man whispered that last part.

"Is Wilson confused with their orientation?" I joked.

"Oh-oh no. We mustn't say that, the politically correct term is 'Asian' and Wilson isn't from-my point is. Wilson is more of a Wilma," he chimed and laughed nervously.

"What the shitting hell is on the carpet! Oh Jesus," we heard Martin curse, he must have gotten too excited and raised his arm a bit too much, "there's blood everywhere! It looks like the elevator scene from The Shining!" He entered hysterical.

"Oh" Aunty Jack and I spoke with realisation. Jim nodded as well.

"Oh not all over my lovely clean carpet," Aunty Jack groaned and checked the hallway. Jim followed her but first told Wilson to come along but Wilson just stayed with us. I tried feeding him a bit of food but he wouldn't take it.

"Strange dog,"

"Strange man, who doesn't know the sex of their dog? And why would she be bleeding? Dogs don't get periods," Jonny spoke.

"Yes they do," I held my laugh.

"No they don't,"

"Yes they do. Why wouldn't they? She's a mammal,"

"Is she?"

"Are you the biggest idiot in the world?" I was honestly shocked he didn't know.

"Pusface didn't know either! I'm sure Dad didn't know,"

"Didn't know what?" Martin entered shirtless for some reason.

"That dogs get periods and they're mammals," I answered.

"Of course I knew that! What bleeding moron doesn't?" He then laughed when he realised his sons didn't, "did you know that an alligator was a reptile?" He wheezed and bent over, "or a whale was a shark?" He wheezed some more. The boys and I all looked around to each other, deciding who would break the news.

"Martin...whales are mammals too," he calmed down on his laughing, "and sharks are fish," I informed him, the look he gave us was one of a dignified man...which is saying something because the man in front of us was shirtless and hiding an injury from his wife.

"Oh. Well...you learn something new every day," the shirtless man walked out.

"Should we take the dog outside?" Adam asked us. So we tried. I noticed something between his legs...a penis, quite a large one too. We all stood in the crowded dining room thing to pull their neighbours dog through the hallway. Aunty Jack was freaking out over the carpet trying not to lose her shit.

"I'm so sorry Jackie. So sorry,"  Jim tried hugging her, "what I came over for was a-a pad or a tampon" the grown man whispered. I could sense the tension from the dining room.

"Wilson's a Wilson guys," I said while crouching, getting a better look.

"What?" Jonny looked as well and happened to put an arm on my lower back, "does Jim know anything about his own pet?" Wilson started dragging his butt on the carpet, leaving shitty blood marks.

"No!" Aunty Jack gasped and lead the dog outside.

"Jim," I got his attention, "Wilson is a boy. He doesn't have a period he's probably just got hemorrhoids, take him to the vet,"

"Oh no. My poor Wilson, you must be so confused. I'm so-sorry I confused y-you," he flinched while talking to his dog. Aunty Jack was so furious she was about to cry, "thank you Liz and may I say congratulation-" Aunty Jack shut the door in his face. I pretend fainted into Jonny. We both smiled.

"I've had enough of your exes for tonight,"

"Yeah I know. I'm sorry," he genuinely apologized, "I'll message her tomorrow and sort it all out," I finally smiled at him.

"Thank you Sir Piss,"

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A/N I broke my forearm so this took longer than usual to write. Sorry about that! That means the next few chapters won't be as regular either!
Thanks for understanding - Hayley x