Against Authority

Against Authority (11)

11. Forbidden Feelings

The next day, Chris and I were sitting at a table in our local Starbucks. We were arguing.

"But, Chris. Please..." I begged.

"I'm sorry, Alex, but we can't. We can't do this," he said in a pained voice.

"Chris-"

"Stop arguing. We can't be together."

I'd been listening to that for almost an hour now, but I wasn't going to give up, no way.

"Why not?" I demanded.

"You know why. You know the rules. There are supposed to be no in-work relationships."

"But it's not like we would really date in work."

"You know what I mean, Alex."

I looked down at the table. "So what am I supposed to do?" I asked, looking back up at him. "Ignore my feelings? I can't do that."

"I don't want to do that, either. But we have to."

He said he didn't want to, and I said I couldn't. Did that mean that he would be able to let me go, and he wouldn't feel bad about it?

"I can't."

"You have to," he repeated.

I stood up. "Fine. If that's what you want."

He looked at me disbelievingly. "I don't want you to. It's just what needs to be done."

I struggled to hold back tears. Rejection. I know that wasn't exactly the case, but that's what it felt like. And it hurt.

He stood up, too. "Are you okay?"

I nodded, and swallowed down my tears. "Mmm hmm."

He studied my face for a moment, and then finally spoke, "I'll take you home."

"Alright," I said.

We threw away our barely touched coffees, and exited the Starbucks. I got into the passenger's seat of Chris' car, and he drove. We were silent most of the way, until Chris looked at me.

"Alex, are you...crying?" he asked, concerned.

I was. I had been silently for the whole ride. But I would definitely not tell him that, nor would I tell him why.

"No," I lied simply.

He smiled. "Yes, you are. Don't lie."

He reached over and wiped away the tear that was on my cheek. "What's wrong? Why are you crying?"

"It's nothing."

"Alex, I know you. I've seen you get stabbed in the leg and not say a word, or even scream. This is not nothing."

When I wouldn't answer him, he thought. Then he gasped.

"You can't be crying because...of me, can you?!" He stared at me, shocked. "You know I don't want to have to ignore you-well, at least my feelings for you."

He kept looking at me.

"Keep your eyes on the road," I mumbled.

He slowly turned his head, keeping his eyes on me, until his head faced the windshield.

I didn't want to put Chris through this...this guilt. It was just that I couldn't stand thinking I would have to stay away from him. I...I wouldn't be able to do that...no matter how hard I tried.

I wished life didn't have to be so hard, and could go the way you wanted it to. No ifs, ands, or buts...

The next thing I knew, I was gently being shaken, and someone was calling my name softly.

I listened harder, and I realized it was Chris' voice.

"Alex, Alex, Alexis," he was saying. "Wake up, you're home."

I opened my eyes, and Chris was leaning in the passenger doorway, looking at me, and shaking my shoulder. It was dark behind him. I must have fallen asleep.

"Alex?" Chris asked, "You awake?"

I nodded, not being able to find my voice.

"You're home. Come on. You need to get inside before you pass out again."

He took my hand and helped me out of the car, putting his arm around my shoulders to support me, and closed the car door. Then he helped me to the doorway.

"Where are the keys?" he asked me.

The cold made me more alert. "I'm fine. I'm awake."

I fumbled in my pocket for my house keys, and once I got them out, I dropped them. Chris' hand shot out, quickly caught them, and put the key into the lock, but didn't turn it.

"I am really sorry that things need to be like this."

"As am I," I replied, staring at the ground. Then I looked up at him. "But I should be the one apologizing. I need to understand that not everything should be about me. I need to think of others, too. I'm sorry."

Chris nodded. "I'll see you at work."

I nodded back. "See you there."

I looked at the ground, and sighed. I looked back at him, and put my arms around his neck, leaning on his chest. He paused, but then put his arms around my back and hugged me back.

When we pulled away from each other, Chris didn't look at me, but walked straight to his car, got inside it, and drove away.

I watched him leave, and as soon as he was out of sight, I turned the key in the lock, and entered my house.