Please Don't Try and Turn On the Lights

22. The Return of TLSP

We were occupying the green sofa and the matching armchairs - all of us apart from Miles and Alex who were out smoking on the balcony, looking as if they were discussing big plans. Miles was waving his arms around with an excited smile but Alex looked more and more crestfallen the more Miles kept talking. All of a sudden I realised that Alex' smile had faltered completely and he was looking through the window to all of us in the living room. He was looking directly at me and I blew him a kiss which made the corners of his mouth curl upwards. He took a drag of his cigarette, gaze still placed firmly upon me, until Miles said something that made Alex turn away from the window and continue the conversation.

They stayed out on the balcony for quite a while. I had fun with the others, but I wanted to know what was going on between Alex and Miles, so when Miles finally patted Alex on the back and went back inside, I was fast to get up from the armchair, offer it to Miles, and take his spot on the balcony, next to a sulking Alex.

"Hey," I said quietly.

"Hey," he said without looking at me.

"You okay?"

"Huh?" he looked as if I had just woken him up from a trance, "Splendid. You?"

"You sure? You don't look a hundred percent alright."

"We are putting out a new album soon"

"You are? That's amazing, Alex!"

He shrugged, "Yeah, It is exciting. Miles thinks so too. I'm guessing you could tell by how much he was gesticulating before."

"Yeah, his excitement was kinda hard to miss. Why aren't you as excited though?"

"I was going to tell you before... I'm not going to be in England for as long as I thought I would be."

"I know. Nick told me earlier that you're only here for a few weeks."

Alex shook his head, "The lads are here for a few weeks. Miles and I leave in a couple of days."

It felt as if all the blood drained from my face. I was suddenly feeling very dizzy and I was having a hard time breathing. This changed everything.

"How long will you be gone?" I managed to croak.

"Matt, Jamie, and Nick will only be gone about a month."

"...And you?" I asked even though I was scared of the answer.

"Longer" he said, still not looking at me.

"Longer? How much is 'longer'?"

"Six months. Maybe more."

I sat down on the bench next to him, "I did not expect that."

"Me neither. I thought that maybe now would be a good time to..." his voice trailed off and I didn't have the guts to ask him what now would be a good time to do. Was it to stay? Leave? Break my heart again?

The silence hung over us like a thick blanket. The only thing that could be heard were the cars on the street beneath us, and the sound of the cigarette burning every time Alex put it to his lips.

I said nothing. He said nothing. But we were probably thinking the same thing. He was sighing and he tried to reach his hand out to touch me but the attempt was half-hearted and I was not sure how to feel. All the romance and the I-want-you-now-sensuality that had been between us just an hour ago had now vanished into thin air. I had to get out of there. I needed to be on my own and think things through.

"I think I better leave," I whispered. Fighting to hold back the tears that were burning in my eyes.

"Yeah, it's getting late anyway. Wanna walk or grab a taxi back to my place?" he said as he put out his cigarette.

"Uhm..Actually, I think it's best if I go home alone"

He looked at me in utter shock before he pushed his eyebrows together, looking at me with great concern, "I'll take you home"

"It's nice of you, but I think I'll just walk on my own"

He looked away from me and merely nodded. I could tell that he was hurt that I didn't invite him with me.

"Well, bye" I said as I got up.

"Bye, Rhea," he said looking at me with puppy eyes.

I thought about him for the rest of that night - I couldn't even concentrate as I said my goodbyes to the others at Jamie's. I thought about Alex on the way home alone and as I was lying in bed unable to sleep. I thought about his life in L.A. with parties and award shows and beautiful models. I tried not to think about him slipping a kiss to said models. I thought about my life in England and how boring and regular and different it was to Alex' life. I thought about how I didn't seem to fit in anywhere anymore; not in his world and not even in my own either. Not after I had run into him. I thought about how I had hoped that maybe Alex and I could've started dating for real. And I thought about how I hadn't realised that dating a rockstar would mean walking around with a broken heart half the time - just like Katie had said. I thought about how unfair life was, and my love for everything normal and boring and ordinary in England. I guessed I wouldn't have felt so reluctant to leave everything behind and go follow him if I had just been born in the US where he would spend his the rest of the summer...