Key To My Heart [Devan Key]

What Grieving Is Like.

•Devans POV•

I've never felt pain as intense as this.

Nothing as severe.

Not this bad.

I finally understand why Shailene was always so depressed, no matter who was in her life, she still didn't want to be alive. I now get why she would hurt herself, or take the blame of the death of her best friend.

Maybe this was payback.

Payback for trying to fix her because I didn't understand her pain and wanted to see her happy.

If she forgets who she is... if she forgets me. Coping or grief wouldn't be an option. I would be lost, unable to fix anything this time.

Falling asleep in the plastic chair next to her bed I dream of worst case scenarios. When I awake I repeat to myself that it was simply just a bad dream, that it wasn't real.

But then I look to the nearly lifeless girl in front of me and that's my confirmation, it's not a dream.

You know, I always wondered how Shailene could have nightmares, then act like nothing happened. Like it didn't mentally screw her up.

Which I knew it did.

I'm living my worst nightmare and her reality.

In my lifetime the biggest thing I have ever lost was probably a 20$ bill. She has lost her best friend, her father, her mother and now she's fighting for her own life that she tried so hard to just end.

This is new to me.

I haven't got any idea on how I'm supposed to feel, react or even speak. So I don't.

I sit in this room, holding her hand, feeling nothing. Not because she didn't make my heart beat faster than light, but because she isn't really here.

***
(A few days later)

This hospital room has gotten really old.

The beeping of the machines ring in my ears constantly. I need to get out of here.

I let Brad and OakLeigh stay behind. Mercedes hasn't left the waiting room since she arrived, that was a few days ago.

Tom and Haz are in and out. They comfort Mercedes while figuring out how they feel themselves.

The more I'm in here, the more I think about the bad possibilities.

I call Collins to come pick me up to take me somewhere, anywhere. Honestly, I do feel kind of bad for leaving and it makes my anxiety levels go up.

Before I could back out Collins practically throws me in the passenger seat of his car.

"Bro, I have a surprise for you!" He beams slightly. Making no facial expression, I reply.

"Okay."

"C'mon at least smile a little bit, she is going to be just fine." He encourages towards Shais situation.

I try to crack a smile, yet fail miserably.

"The surprise will cheer you up for sure."

"Nothing can cheer me up right now." I answer blankly. He doesn't answer me, he continues to drive God knows where.

My mind wanders as I look at what is outside my window. Nothing is green or even alive looking in the slightest. Given that it is still winter.

The trees without a single leaf, yet still living.