Love Grown Cold

My Fault

Several months after Bucky and Natasha's first kiss

"Natasha?" Someone banged on her cabin door, but she didn't even respond. How could she? Everything she'd ever hoped, everything she had loved, was gone.

There was the sound of a key in the door. It opened slowly to reveal a tired looking brunette. Peggy.

"Natasha," Peggy sat down on the bed next to her and sighed. It had been three days and Natasha had barely moved, refused to eat, and who knows if she slept.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Peggy asked quietly.

"Talk about what?" Natasha asked hoarsely. "The fact that my two best friends are dead? The fact that I'm alone? The fact that if I had been there this never could've happened?"

Peggy remained silent as they both remembered what happened that first day.

The day Bucky died.
*
Flashback: two weeks prior

"Ow!" Natasha protested.

"Sorry," the nurse said apologetically as she finished stitching Natasha up. "But that was a pretty nasty cut. It's a good thing you have all that super soldier serum in you. Otherwise you would probably be dead right now."

Natasha grimaced as she pulled her shirt back on, wincing and gently putting a hand on her stomach where the recently stitched six inch gash was.

"It wasn't that bad..." Natasha muttered.

"No," agreed a strident voice from the doorway. "It was worse," Bucky walked in and sat on the bed beside her. The nurse took the cue, gathered her things, and scurried out of there.

"It was fine," Natasha said firmly.

Bucky gently put his hand on her shoulder and gave her a half smile. "It wasn't and you know it. You need to stop this thing, Nat."

"What thing?" Natasha asked innocently.

"This being a hero thing. You could've died today."

"But if I hadn't gotten in the way of that gun, you would've." Natasha replied softly. Bucky gently wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her into his chest.

"I know," he said quietly, placing his face in her hair. "And I owe you. But I don't want you putting your life on the line for me."

"James, if anything happened to you... I don't think I could live." Natasha said this last part so quietly it was barely audible. "Your life is more important to me than mine. I just..."

Bucky didn't let her finish. He pulled her in, kissing her in a desperate way. It only lasted a moment, but it was enough to make Natasha stop and look at him in a way that made him lose his train of thought.

"Nat," he said quietly, lips only inches away from hers. "I don't want that for you. No matter what happens out there it's not your fault. It's not your responsibility to look after me. I'm all right with whatever happens to me out there. But I want you to promise me, that no matter what, you're going to be fine. I want you to live your life, and I hope that I'm going to be part of it. But if I'm not..." here he looked at her, gently rubbing his thumb over her lower lip. "I want you to not dwell on it, to live like you want to. And if I die out there," he sighed. "Look after Steve too, because he won't be able to deal with it."

Natasha sighed. "James, I don't think I can do that."

"Promise me, Natasha." Bucky grabbed her hand and looked at her fervently. "Please."

"All right." She stared at him worriedly. "I promise. But you promise me that I'm not going to have to live without you."

Bucky smiled. "I wish I could. But I promise that whatever happens, I'll always be with you."

"I guess I can accept that." She replied, smiling. He kissed her gently again.

"Ugh, come on you guys." Gabe called from the doorway. "Can you not stop for one second?"

"Aw why don't you stop?" Steve replied, swatting at his head. Natasha and Bucky glanced at each other and rolled their eyes, but Bucky did move off the bed to stand by the wall.

"So when are you going to be ready to go?" Dum Dum asked Natasha, giving Bucky a warning look.

"Ugh, a week or two, depending on whether I'm a good patient or not."

"But you're going to be a very good patient, right?" Jim teased.

"Sure, whatever." She muttered, smiling at the boys.
End of Flashback
*
"If I hadn't gotten that stupid cut, I would've been there when Steve and James had taken on that stupid train." She looked at the floor. "I would've been able to help James."

Peggy sighed. "Nat, there wouldn't have been much you could do there. It was an impossible situation. Bucky wouldn't want you stressing over that."

"I know." Natasha replied with a sigh. "But now Steve's gone too..."
To be continued