White Teeth Teens

::18:: final

You looked beautiful in your casket. Your suit was ironed so there were no creases, your long eye lashes were touching your cheeks and your hands were crossed over your chest, even in death you were the most beautiful person I had ever seen. 

I don't know how long I stood watching you, it was hard not to think of you as sleeping when you looked so serene. I tuned out the tears of your family and touched your hand, it was cold. My chest felt heavy like my heart was going to spontaneously com bust at any moment. i wanted you here with me to give me a look that told me everything was going to be okay or to kiss me and make it all all better but the truth was, you weren't coming back and even though we hadn't known each other that long i felt like i had spent a life time with you and that still wasn't enough. 

"I love you," I whispered to you, my voice was thick with rasp due to the lack of use lately. This was the first time I had ever told you i loved you and you weren't even here to hear it. I was crying, not regular crying but the kind of crying that made it feel like my tears had the ability to drag me to the ground, like my tears held the weight of the world, your world. 

Your Mom says she didn't know, she says she had no idea but i don't believe her, your father gave you blue skin and your mother was just too selfish to admit that she never gave you the time of day. I never knew you had a sister but then again, home life wasn't really something we discussed. I guess how many siblings a person has doesn't really matter when their life seems to be falling apart.  Your father's blood alcohol level was way above the limit, he was a drunk and there was no way your mother didn't know it. 

Your sister seemed to be nice enough but i can barely look at her, how could she leave you alone in this world? I blamed her for your death then again I blamed everyone, i even blamed myself, maybe if I told you that i loved you sooner, none of this would've happened. Maybe if i would've told someone about your father, i could've saved you. Maybe.

I once told you that the interpretation of silence spoke volumes but as I stared at you in your casket, the only thing silence did was make the situation worse. I wanted hug you like I did the night of the movie theater, I wanted to kiss you like in the hospital and I wanted to see the blue tie you were wearing make your eyes appear to look dark hazel but most of all i just wanted to love you. 

 What do you do when suddenly the only person you ever loved becomes a ghost?

Your mother found a suicide note when she was packing away your things, she says you were being selfish and for once, i agree with her but I'm not mad at you, you were a white teeth teen and eventually fake smiles, emotional denial and silence don't tune out the world - I just wished you would have told me what was going on because no matter what, I would've loved you until our bones turned to dust and our skeletons were covered in maggots. Suicide wasn't you're only way out because we were white teeth teens, the kids with fake smiles, emotional scars and too much time on our hands but we understood each other, somehow when we were around each other, the smiles became real and my heart thumped so  loudly i could hear it, you made me feel human and if that's not love, then i don't know what is.  

We were the white teeth teens, the ones with real smiles, the shared sandwiches and the awkward first kisses and even though that's all we'll ever be, maybe that's all we ever needed to be. Maybe.

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FIN

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