Chapter 1

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There he was.. My supposed to be husband. I didn't look up at him but I could feel it was him. The negative vibe he was giving me was so familiar, since my parents used to have that around me too. I felt his eyes on me for a moment. He was checking me out I guess, but the funniest part was; I had nothing to be checked out. I was ugly and worthless. He deserved much better even though I didn't know him. Everyone deserved more than I ever did. I deserved nothing. I was nothing and would never be. That's how I was brought up.

"Look at me", he said. I didn't look up at him. I couldn't. I was afraid that I would read his face. Read what he was thinking of me. Even though I knew what he was thinking, it still hurt when I met reality. Even though I was used to it all, sometimes it was still like a first time.

"I said look at me!", he yelled, making me jump since I didn't expect it. The fear in me was rising. This was the tone my father always used to me. I slowly looked up at him and met his face for the first time. I looked into green eyes that were shouting anger. His brown curls were making it up for his eyes that were looking at me with so much hate. He was tan with a baby face that I didn't expect. Although he was mean, he-

"If you're done checking me out, I'm going. Don't expect me to come", he said. It was our first day of marriage. My parents forced me to marry him without my permission. Not that they would ask for it when it came to other things. I had always been the outcast of the family, being used as a boxing ball. They would've killed me if I said anything about it. I had to listen to them. They would beat me worse than normal if I didn't listen. I didn't want that. Ever.

He didn't even wait for my reply and after a moment I heard the front door shut. I went over to the mirror and looked at myself. The wedding dress was not this dress which you would melt for. It was a dirty white and didn't fit me. When I looked around at girls how they were having their fairytale, this sight made me terrified. I knew it was because of me. It was all because of me and I deserved it. Though I had that feeling that someday it would've been over, at least that's what my grandmother told me. My eyes met my eyes in the mirror. They were almost dark and very little. You could see that I hadn't been sleeping for a few nights. They still held that fear I wanted to fade away. I started breathing faster.

"You are ugly" I said looking myself deadly in the eyes through the mirror. I was repeating it over and over again.

"No one will ever love you"

"Have you seen this ugly brown eyes and hair?" I said while pointing at my dead eyes. Tears started to stream down but I ignored them.

"Even your 'husband' would never love you"

"It is better if you kill yourself" I began to ruin the room. I was punching my hands to the wall and kicking the couch. I ripped the pins out of my hair and took a vase that was next to the mirror and slammed it to the mirror. I felt like that was killing me and my eyes. It made me unable to look at myself. I couldn't stand myself and the memories anymore. My parents taught me about myself. They never lie you know. Parents weren't supposed to lie. I looked at my arms and neck. It was always purple or yellow. When my bruises were gone, they abused me again to give me a purple glow again. It looked ugly. I squeezed my arms as if the colours would go but it didn't help. The colour that haunted me was still there. I shook my head. It was time for me to go. No one would miss me.

"Even He would never love you", I said for the last time, thinking of God, before I ran out of the house. I didn't know where I was running to but I just ran. When I came to a bridge I slowed down. I was catching my breath when I realized something. Why was I even breathing? It was a waste. An animal or someone else who really needs oxygen could use mine. Someone who is fighting for a little bit of oxygen to live could use it. They needed it. Then I looked at the bridge. What if I just jumped off the bridge? No one wouldmiss me. I could even bet that Aneel would throw a party.. or my family. They would all be happy, because the world has been saved from another waste. I walked over to the edge of the bridge and looked down. The water was a dark blue and was streaming wildly to every direction. It was like the water was calling out for me. It was like the water was as angry as I was. I felt like it was sending me an invitation that I couldn't refuse, no matter what. That pushed me to put my shoes off and I closed my eyes. Then I climbed to the other side of the bridge, holding onto the bridge tightly.

"One last breath wouldn't harm anyone I guess", I said and took a deep breath. I heard voices coming from the water. It was like the voices were inviting me to go to them. It were the voices of my parents. They were screaming and swearing. I could feel the pain they gave me when they punched me. I could feel myself screaming and begging for them to stop. I felt a tear streaming down my face. I could feel everything, it felt like I was re-living my life. I pressed my eyes tighter and let one hand go. I was scared of heights but still didn't get scared when I let one hand go. Just another, and I would be gone forever. Forever... that sounded so good. I would never feel pain again. Everything would be over. In the end, I would do everyone a favor, especially Aneel. I knew that he didn't want to marry me, I mean who would? But he could marry who he wanted when I was gone. I loosened my pink. Four fingers who kept me alive. Did I want to live? No, I didn't. I didn't even had to think about that. I loosened another finger. Just three fingers who would give me hell if I didn't let go. Okay, another finger.. Just two fingers now and it was hard to keep myself on the bridge. I needed something that would push me down, that would encourage me to let myself fall. Just let yourself fall , I heard my mother saying. There it was, the thing I needed. Counting, I was going to throw myself down. I took a last, deep breath and pressed my eyes tighter. Three.. The last time I'd ever say 'two', two... and..


Final Editing Done (30-01-2016)

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