The Countdown To 40

Beforeword

I was going to be 40 which was a huge milestone for me in so many ways. I felt like I was going through a midlife crisis of some kind. Not the, I need to find a younger man, buy a sports car, get Botox and be in denial kind of crisis. This was more of a 'what does it all mean' type of crisis. Who am I? Who was I? Do I like who I'm becoming?
There are journeys we take in life that are inevitable. Getting older is one of those journeys. It's such a precious one. It's scary and intimidating but it can also be fun. I don't think I would trade the privilege of getting older for anything. I know when to speak up, when to hold my tongue and most importantly, I know the difference between the two concepts. This is a gift that is not bestowed upon us in our youth. Youth is carefree. It's all opinions and experiences. Getting older is full of new experiences, too, but these new experiences are filled with knowledge and wisdom.
I was thinking about the time, growing up, from the ages of nine to around 12 or 13, when you're trying to put the toys away but you really don't want to because toys are fun. But you also realize that you have to leave the toys behind and focus on things that are real. Friendships, school and even hobbies. You'll always remember the fun you had with the toys but you are now having a different kind of fun. I think all stages in life are like that. You're leaving something behind that once nurtured you, so you can go and be apart of something new that will nurture you up until your next stage.
That's life; different stages, new lessons and enriching life experiences. At each stage we have to decide what we will take with us and what we will leave behind. You really can't take everything with you. The things you do take with you from stage to stage are memories, lessons and experiences.
I think this time in my life was difficult because it is one of these huge transitional stages. No one tells you that 40 is like stepping off of a cliff. If I think about it, it really doesn't have to be that dramatic I guess. I've felt these changes at different transitional periods and each one feels so different. Although I am positive that I never actually allowed myself to truly feel each stage of growth. That's why it was so important to me, at 40, to allow myself to feel these emotions. I needed to understand who I was, who I am and who I was becoming. In order to move more fluidly into this new stage of life; I had to feel it. All of it. Every piece.
My countdown started exactly 10 days before my 40th birthday, which was the day I had had my initial breakdown. This story begins with me, locked in the bathroom, wishing someone would ask me if I was alright while, at the same time, desperately hoping no one heard me crying.