LOST IN CHAOS

six

friday 22:04
the end of the concert
.....

It ended.

Noah walked out of the stage, the music stopped, technicolor lights were replaced by normal ones, remnants of the songs lingered on our lips, and we were asked to leave.

The hall was buzzing with people's voices, disappointed groans mixed with content sighs and excited cheers. But to me, the loud buzz seemed quieter than silence when compared to the uproar we had caused earlier. People started filing out through the doors with their friends, and I stood frozen, unsure of what to do.

I was disappointed that the show ended. Of course I was disappointed. I had finally found a sense of belonging. A sense of belonging that evaporated from me as soon as everything came to an end.

The bearded guy from earlier asked me if I wanted to return home in the van he and his friends had, and I denied. The girl beside me asked if I would like to attend a party with her friends, and I denied her too. So they left the hall. I was one of the last people remaining. Ultimately, I left too.

I thought about how I must have looked like to others, a girl dragging herself away from a finished concert, alone. But I was too engrossed in myself to care.

Fresh air hit me as soon as I stepped out. It was chilly outside, but the shivers were welcomed because of their rarity in Mumbai.

I considered taking an auto-riksha or a taxi to the hostel, but couldn't bring myself to do it. The thought of returning back to the university, back to the manifestation of my reality was too much. I was being idiotic but I wanted to keep tonight as close to me as possible. With slippery hands, I was grasping at the memories of the evening.

There was something about the way I felt tonight. I wanted to remember that. Not the show, not the songs, not the lights or the stage, not even Noah. They were all materialistic and I was fine with forgetting them one day. But the feeling. I couldn't put the feeling into words no matter how much I tried. It was an unconventional concoction of happiness and sorrow and carefree-ness and bittersweet content. I knew I would never feel something like it ever again, and I wanted to be as close as possible to its leftovers.

And so I lingered.

I exited through the giant metallic doors and instead of returning to the hostel, I walked around the walls of the stadium, my feet moving just as slow as my thoughts.

It was dark and I let the darkness consume me. Lack of company or scarce lighting didn't scare me. This was Mumbai and I was in an isolated area on my own, but the somber atmosphere didn't frighten me. Maybe I consumed the darkness.

Something changed in me tonight, I knew it. It felt as if my insides were finally at peace and at the same time they were waging a war on me. I was calm and yet confused. I was happy yet sad. Sad yet happy. It was havoc inside my body, but I still smiled as I walked.

I thought about Reia. And when her face swam in front of me, I felt everything except for anger. I wasn't angry at her anymore. Perhaps I never was. But now I could accept that to myself. I thought of Reia. How she had taught me how to swim, how she was the only person to have read my poems, how we had shared clothes. I thought of everything and I felt a billion things. I missed her but I was disappointed and heartbroken. I could imagine how hard it must have been for her to be away from home for a year, doing something she didn't have her heart in. I understood her change of dreams.

And as I listened to my own footsteps and watched the dimly visible wall, I had an epiphany. Reia stayed for a year because of me. She considered Journalism because of me, she considered Mumbai because of me. She tried not to leave me for a year. And what did I do? I was furious at her when I should have been supportive. She was the only one who stayed. How could I discard that? How could I forget everything she had stuck with me for? Reia had helped me a million times, and life had finally given me an opportunity to be there for her. And I couldn't even do that. She was trying to chase her dreams, maybe find her dreams, and I betrayed her. What's the point of your dream if your best friend isn't with you?

I was left dripping in guilt and regret. I lost track of how long or how far I had walked when I heard a sudden sharp crunch from somewhere near me.

The attention-grabbing sound stopped me in my tracks and I looked around. I had reached a small door which appeared to be a back door to the concert venue I was walking around. To my right were a few giant trees engulfed in shadows. And when I turned towards them, I saw a silhouette leaning against a tree trunk.

Unconsciously, my breathing stopped. I froze, staring at the solitary being with squinted eyes. The night was dark, I couldn't see properly but I could tell that it was a tall, lean guy. With his legs straight, his lower back was holding his body up, and his head faced the ground. Then, he tilted his head so that its back rested on the tree and he was gazing at the sky. I watched in silence as his hair reacted to the motion, long curls manoeuvred swiftly and fluidly.

Finally sensing another's presence, he turned towards my direction and spoke, his voice laced with caution, "Hey, who's there?"

Distinctly familiar voice, English instead of Hindi, curly hair, tall and lean. I could guess his identity.

.....