Tongue Tied

September 2018

At this rate, the anticipation would kill me!

"This is lovely," I rasped out. "Since when did you get to be such a good cook?"

"Well, I couldn't live on pasta forever, could I?" He smirked. "Your chef skills must've improved too...unless your mother still does all the hard work for you."

I hung my head low, ashamed, but also needing to be honest. "Actually, my mum has been helping me quite a bit recently..."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I honestly didn't mean any offense. I know loads of people who had to go back to their folk's home after their financial situation tanked..."

"No, it isn't that, I do have my own place. I had a..." I breathed deep. Why was this so hard to say? I suppose because my last thought at the moment of impact was about him. When I thought I was about to die, he was the main person on my mind. Even after five years with no contact, it was always him. Not that I had to tell him, but I had a funny feeling he'd be able to see right through me. "I had an accident. A car crash, and for a while I was quite badly injured."

Scott cocked his head to one side and raked his eyes over me. This look somehow managed to feel more intrusive than any other. I shifted uncomfortably under the spotlight of examination.

"Wow. I didn't know that. How long ago? Are you alright now?"

A heat crept up my cheeks. For some reason, all I could think about was the incredibly personal journal pages I'd written. A lot of them about him.

"It was a few months back. I'm doing much better, as you can probably tell. I'm not limping anymore anyway."

"Was it bad?"

That question made me flinch. In all the things I'd been forced to discuss, no one had actually asked me outright what the crash was like. Even Natalie only asked me how scared I was. It dragged up things I'd pushed right down.

"In the moment, it felt a lot worse than it was. I wasn't fully paying attention and another car's breaks failed while I was at a red light. It slammed into the side of my car and knocked it over. It definitely wasn't the worst accident ever, but for a second I did think I was going to die."

I chuckled weakly, trying to make a bit of a joke out of the situation, but Scott didn't join in.

"Woah, that must've been awful, I can't even begin to imagine. Did it make you re-evaluate stuff?"

This time, the laugh was real. "You have no idea."

I pulled my eyes from the floor and forced them to meet Scott's. He chewed down on his bottom lip thoughtfully. This seemed to bother him, a lot more than it should've. I mean, I survived it. Yes, it might've given me a few bumps and scrapes along the way, but I was alright. Emotionally bruised, outwardly a little scarred, but mostly still here.

"I don't know what that would've done to me," he finally announced. "I don't know what I would've reassessed really. Like, what would come to me in that near-death moment? My life is pretty comfortable as it is. I mostly like my job, even if it isn't what I thought I'd end up doing, I have a good circle of friends, an active social life, I'm happy. I suppose I haven't ever met anyone quite like..." He glanced up at me, almost as if he'd forgotten I was there. "Well, you know. Like you. What me and you had was everything."

He didn't share my honesty fears, he seemed to find it so easy. I needed to attempt the same.

"You."

"Huh?" He furrowed his eyebrows curiously.

"You...you were the one thing on my mind as that car crashed into mine." Was this feeling freeing, or more like I'd sunk further into quicksand? "I have lots of regrets, lots of things I don't like about my life. A job that makes me miserable, not many friends, no love life to speak of, no one that makes me feel special, or any less lonely to be honest. My relationship with my mum isn't the best either. But it was your face I thought of."

Scott remained silent for far too long. It felt like forever. His wide, shocked eyes almost bugged out his head. I panicked, maybe my words were too heavy. Internally, I began to retreat.

But then he rose from his chair, he scooped me into his arms, and kissed me hard once more. This kiss was even more powerful and intense than any from last night. Things were no longer unspoken, we were so much freer now. It was a moment I wanted to cling to forever more. I never wanted to let him go.

Perhaps this time I wouldn't have to.

"Let's not mess things up again," he begged in between kisses. "Let's do things properly this time. Let's..."

"Communicate?" I offered since that was our obvious issue last time. "Talk to each other."

"Communicate and be supportive. I shouldn't have walked away when you were clearly struggling. If I could do it again, I'd stand strong and be there for you. I've been waiting for five years and I've learnt in that time. I won't be young and dumb again. It'll be good...not perfect, but good."

This time, I knew I'd let him. I'd tried to tackle the world alone and it hadn't worked out too well for me. I didn't expect Scott to be my knight in shining armour, I didn't want him to resolve everything for me, but having him by my side would be a good start.

"I can't believe I came to the reunion to find you, to make this happen, and it has. I'm so lucky."

"Well, in the spirit of being honest, I came to get closure. To put you behind me. I guess I failed!"

"You should've known, Jaymeson, you'll never get rid of me."

"So, what do we do now?" I ran my finger lightly down his cheek, touching the man who was all mine. "I mean, right now. Where do we go from here?"

"Well, since I haven't ever taken you out on a proper date, that might be a good start."

"You did, don't you remember?"

He nudged my hip. "Of course I do. It was one of the best nights of my life. I just wanted to see if you did. Well, okay I want to take you out on another date then, if that's alright with you?"

"When?"

"Right now."

I immediately shook my head. "I can't do right now. I don't have anything to wear, only my dress from last night, and you just know Natalie's freaking out about me somewhere."

"That girl." He chuckled. "She never changes."

"Hmm, maybe not. But who'd want her to?"

Scott circled his arms around my waist and held me possessively to his chest. "Okay, fine. I can't take you right now. What about later on? Can I take you somewhere tonight? Do you have to go back home yet?"

"I suppose so." I teased him by playing it cool. "It isn't like I have anything else to do, so why not?"

I could stay in Bristol a little while longer. For him.

"You don't make things easy for me, do you?" He rested his forehead against mine and stared deep into my eyes. I lost myself in the warm hazelnut colour that'd been haunting my dreams for as long as I could remember. "But then again, I should know what to expect by now."

The familiarity felt wonderful. It made things simple. With Scott, I knew exactly what I was getting. We understood one another, there was a short-hand between us. But this was new territory as well. The future was blank. An open book for us to write the next part of our story. I didn't think it'd be a smooth path, we'd surely come across obstacles along the way, but at least we were going to give it a try. If we failed, then so be it. I'd know we weren't meant to be, I wouldn't need to think of it as this thing which could've been amazing if I'd let it.

As long as I tried, I wouldn't ever have to wonder 'what if?' again.

The car crash sucked, it led to some dark times, but now I was getting my second chance. Another try at love, at friendship, at being the person I wanted to be. I couldn't screw this up. I had to take this tragedy and learn from it, I had to transform it into something amazing, or what was the point of it all?