What happened to the old me

Why

I went to go meet him in the bathroom. 'I'm gonna do it!' I thought when I got to the bathroom he was standing by the sink looking at himself in the mirror. When he saw me he walked towards me. I closed my eyes expecting to be punched. But he didn't do anything. When I opened my eyes, he was gone.
'That was weird' I thought. Just then I felt a sharp pain in my back. I cringed. I feel to the ground. Crying and screaming out in pain. I quickly grabbed the knife and took it out of me. It wasnt that deep of a cut but it hurt, bad. "That's was you get you useless, ugly, stupid, skinny piece of crap." He said laughing and walking away. I got a bunch of paper towels and put them on my back. Of course! The only day I don't wear black I get a big blood stain. I tried to wash out the blood. Maybe people will think it's just part of the shirt? Yea I don't get noticed anyway.
My back was hurting so bad. I just wanted to go crying to my mom but I couldn't because I told her he wasn't going to be her and I dont want her to know I was lying.
Later that day my back finally stopped bleeding. Before going to 4th period I received a call from mom. "Hello?"
"D-Devan." Mom said screaming and sobbing into the phone. Ok can she just let it go I'm fine. "Mom I'm f-"
"No devan! It's not about you. I-it's about C-Collins. No t-time to explain just c-come to the hospital n-now!" She said crying. "Wait what?!" I asked in panic. She hung up. I ran out of the building and hopped in my car. I started bawling. If anything happens to Collins... I don't know what I would do. On the way to the hospital I couldn't stop thinking about all the possible reasons why Collins what at the hospital. I took deep breaths to try and calm down. When I arrived at the hospital I ran up to the front desk. "Whereiscollinsineedtoknowwhereheistellmenowlady." I said it so fast she had no clue what I was saying. "Huh? Say that slower."
I was sweating and crying and just wanted to see my brother. "Where is collins key?" I said slowly. "Room 108, your mom should be in there." I didn't listen to what else she had said. I darted up the stairs and found Collins's room. Before going in I hesitated. I don't know why. I was scared. I finally decided to go in. I slowly twisted the door knob. The first thing I was was Collins hooked up to a bunch of machines and doctors and I heard a lot of beeping sounds. And there was mom and dad. Sitting next to collins. Mom was bawling her eyes out. And dad was trying to calm her down. "Wha-what happened?" I asked trying not to cry. Mom started crying even more. Dad gently  grabbed my arm and took me into the hallway. "Son, his heart stopped earlier..." dad said trying to hold back tears. "WHAT?!" I screamed. Everyone who was in the hall looked at me in disgust. "What how why?" I said sweating and crying. "We don't know why." Dad said. "Is, is Collins going to be ok?" I asked looking at the ground letting tears slip from my eyes. "Devan, we don't know..."
"Dad no! Collins has to live! It's not fair!" I said bawling. I opened the door and started blowing up on all the doctors. "LISTEN! IF MY BROTHER DIES ITS ALL YOUR FAULT YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH HE MEANS TO ME. HES MY BEST FRIEND AND MY BROTHER. AND Y-." Before I could finish mom grabbed my arm. "Devan!"
She looked mad and sad and disappointed all at the same time. "Go home, right now." She demanded. "No mom. I need to stay with Collins."
"Devan go home. It's the best for you."
I stormed out of the hospital. When I got in the car I screamed with anger. Why was this happening to collins?! He doesn't deserve this.
When I got home I went up to my room, jumped on my bed and dug my face into my pillow and screamed. I got out my laptop and pulled up videos of Collins and I. I clicked on the try not to cringe challenge video. As I watched I remembered how much I missed doing videos with Collins. But then I realized I probably won't be able to do that anymore.... we laughed a lot in that video, something we don't do anymore. "MY WORLD IS FALLING APART!" I screamed. I just wanted my old life back. I wanted to have my brother, my best friend back. But I could never see him again. I don't know. If Collins... dies.... I will have NOBODY. Life would be miserable. I don't even want to think about life without Collins, but it's a life I might have to life. I continued to watch the video and I missed hearing Collins laugh. And I missed his smile. It's been a long Time since we just sat down and watched a funny video. Then our favorite one came on "happy 7 month anniversary babe. I love you more than all the hair on all of cats mr. Thompson has." The guy in the video said making a really cheesy and cringy smile. "We were not supposed to see this." Collins said. I paused the video, I felt sick. I went to the bathroom and puked. I miss my brother.