Slayed || Sequel to Homicidal

IV

C H A P T E R    F O U R:

Once at home, Louis locks himself in his room and procedes to go and read something he thought he would have given back along time ago: Harry's diary. He couldn't bring himself to read more than a sentence of the first entry the last time, so he flicks there and picks up from where he left off.

Dear diary,

I have a confession to make, but I don't know where to start. I'm not sure why I'm writing in this, so let's start with that. My therapist at West Rock said this would be a good way for me to let out all my emotions. I think that's a load of bullshit, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to try it out.

I guess I could start with why I'm locked up in this stupid mental asylum. I'm just going to put it out there, I killed someone. Before my reputation gets dragged through the mud, know that I was doing it for self defense. I didn't kill the guy because I felt like it, he was trying to rape me. I felt like I needed to do it to keep myself alive. I told the judge just that, and since Dustin wasn't there to testify because he was six feet underground and we were the only two there that night, they believed me.

I ended up here on a plea bargain. Three years jail, one year in an asylum. Personally, I think the judge could have picked a better place for me to spend three hundred sixty five days in, but it would probably be just as bad somewhere else. I'm so over it. I don't want to be here anymore. I've been studying hard for almost four years, I'm just ready to get to high school and have my first taste as a free man.

I'm honestly scared of where I'll end up after West Rock. There, that's an emotion. My therapist better be thankful. Anyway, I'm not allowed to see my mum and sister until I'm eighteen, and I'm only sixteen now. I'm not allowed in my hometown in my whole life, which is probably the reason I was shipped to Scotland to complete jail time. I don't like the way that sounds—jail time. If I had to take a guess, I'll end up in foster care. I heard Mrs. Emerson talking to one of the officers that does routine checks about where I'll end up, and I'm pretty certain I heard them discussing a foster home. So, that' s pretty much set in stone. I'm not looking forward to it.

Maybe it's not where I'll end up that's making me worry. It's failure. I've already messed up so much stuff in my life, I don't want to do it again. Things were so much simpler when my mother actually liked me. I don't have good memories past the age of seven. She tended to forget me and paid more attention to Gemma. When my dad was still still with us, the four of used used to go to the beach every nice weekend. After they split up, I was lucky to see my mum one time a week. Gemma was ten and understood so much more than me. At the time, I didn't understand what suicide meant. Now I do, and I'm angry with myself because I really don't that my father took his own life.

I was too young for me to really remember him now. That makes me upset, because I really do want to have a connection with my dad other than the trips to the beach. I want to know him for who he was, not what he did for me every weekend. The thing is, as of now, I just don't care. How I look at it is that he's dead and he's never coming back, so I should just move on. Is that cruel?

I still don't know what I'm supposed to write in here. I was told whatever came to mind, but that's all my awful memories and things dealing with Dustin. My life is so pathetic. I just want out of here.

I'm starting to go insane. I'm not allowed to have any roomates because I'm considered dangerous. That's another deal the courts made with me, I had to be alone or else my sentence would be increased. Unless one of the other inpatients did something really stupid, I wasn't going to kill them. I only killed Dustin because I felt trapped.

I swear, my mum and sister are scared of me. Before they called the cops on me, they hid out in the basement cellar because it was the room we had made especially safe in case of a break in. I didn't even bother to clean up the blood, I was too stunned and just didn't care. Sure, I was scared for my safety and fate, but I knew that my sentence would be reduced if I cooperated.

I felt a bit betrayed when my mum called the police. I knew that it was the right thing to do and all, but she was my mother, and maybe I irrationally expected her to hold me and tell me all would be well. That was her favourite thing to say when I was young—all will be well. Looking back, I see that she wasn't there for me after my parents split and my dad killed himself. I never saw how hollow my mother was until now.

I kind of resent her now. I'm mad at her for never being there when I needed her. I'm mad at her for making me rely on Gemma when she was just ten years old. My mum made a lot of bad choices and I feel like they're unforgivable.

I'm such a hypocrite, aren't I? Who am I to judge my mother when I was the one who killed someone? I'm torn between wanting to be angry with my mum and wanting to punish myself forever. I can't forgive my mum, just like Dustin's family can't forgive me. His mother doesn't believe he tried to rape me, but sister does. She lied to the police, but she won't admit it. That frustrates me because if she had allowed herself to be a partial witness, I might not even be in this stupid mental asylum. I'm not even mental, so I don't know why I'm in here.

Mrs. Emerson is coming to get me for meal time. Maybe I'll write in this again? My therapist might force me. Until then, please do your best to get lost so I don't have to write in you again. Okay... bye.

Louis snaps the book shut. His mind is spinning and his heart is pounding. All he can think is, Harry will feel so violated if he finds out.  

A/N: Happy one year Wattpad anniversary to me! Here is an update to celebrate. I actually updated all my fics today and geez, I'm tired. Today was actually a really bad day. I had a boyfriend for twenty-four hours and then he dumped me. I didn't like him, though. I knew him for, like, six days and I have this huge crush on a guy at school, so I was going to tell this kid I couldn't do it anyway. I have such a pathetic love life xD. A lot happened in this update. The next one should be soon. Love you, bye xxx.