social world

social anxiety

Today I kind of had a breakdown in school. You can imagine it like that:

I was frustrated with the work I had to do and scared of my next lesson. The thought of going to school had already made me feel sick in the morning. I had to calm myself down with breathing exercises for ten minutes until I managed to get up.

So at school I then really felt the urge to talk to somebody about my problems. I sat down on the floor and called my best friend. She didn't answer the phone. I tried it with my aunt - declined. I knew I couldn't do this anymore, so desperate as I was I phoned my dad. "Dad I don't feel well. Can I please go home?", I sobbed into the micro. Of course he wanted to know why. Scared of telling him that it was a rather emotional problem I told him that it was all just in my head and he then assumed I had a headache. Well I told him I felt sick then. That was convenient since it was a) really the case b) I had been sick yesterday. So he said yes I could go home if I really couldn't do it but I had to go to the nurse first.

That's when my bff called. I quickly said bye to my dad and accepted the call. Yah, I cried and I sobbed on the phone for approximately most of the time. "I just can't do this today", I told her. "I can't. Everything's coming down to me. I am so scared of school. It was so hard to get up this morning I felt ready to puke out my guts at the plain thought of school. I can't", I mumbled under tears. She told me to go home and calm down. "I am scared that my teacher will complain and tease me tomorrow", I opened up to her. She truly is my best friend because she insisted I'd go home. "Your teacher can't do anything about it. It's none of his business anyway!", she snapped. "Thank you" "Always, that's what friends are there for. Take good care of yourself." I am so f*cking grateful I've got her.

So I told my teacher I was going home on my own since the nurse had already left. He was suspicious, "You didn't feel ill before? Just now that the nurse is gone?" I told him that I had been ill yesterday and he let it go.

I can't be angry that he reacted that way because only minutes before he'd seen me laughing in the hallway. That's the way inner scars are. You don't see them. I did my best to hide them today.

As soon as I was free to go I felt relieved. I have never felt that way before. My whole body was shaking and my teeth were clattering. As fast as possible I grabbed all my stuff and hurried out of school. Ten minutes later I felt better again but I knew leaving was the right decision. My classmates assumed that I was ill, my friend too but I am fine - physically.

I am not okay mentally. Not. At. All. I know I can't run away. I will have to go to school again tomorrow but it's good I got home earlier today. I've got some more time to think of a way to get this issue under control. I wish this was the only one but it's only part of something bigger.

I am not a doctor and I don't want to diagnosis myself but I think I might qualify for social anxiety.