A Day Without You

Holding On To You

I got to enjoy the taste of happiness for a couple of years. It was always a joy to see that little kid smile at me, no matter what I did.

Even as he grew up, he never stopped being happy around me. That mere feeling of being wanted by someone… it was absolutely new to me and I had no intention of letting go of it. He was the first friend I ever made. The other kids from the locality also admired my presence… but none followed me around everywhere like he used to.

I was enjoying life for the first time.

But once again, thanks to another one of my mother’s stupid decisions, my happiness started to come to an end. She started bringing a man home from then on. This wasn’t even the man she wanted to be close to. I didn’t know it back then… that people don’t change easily. This guy was absolutely trashy and the worst kind of guy one can hope to find. I still remember opening the door for him when he first came to our apartment. I froze when I saw him. He was a towering figure, he reeked of alcohol and he looked suspicious from every angle. I was too scared to make even a single sound. My mother called out to him from behind me, telling him to come in and I clearly remember her saying “Get out of the way idiot” after that. It’s weird how the things that once made you hate yourself, now seems idiotic enough to make you laugh at it.

Seeing the things I saw at the age of 10, I was horrified. They paid no heed to the fact that a kid was inside the apartment with them. It wasn’t exactly a luxurious condo with twenty rooms and the walls were very thin. Even though I could close my eyes from the second time, I couldn’t shut my ears. It was pure torture.

Their laughter, the way they spoke, the noises they made… I wanted to run from it all.

I used to gather up whatever strength my heart had left in it, just so I could go to the one person who waited to see me everyday. But facing him was becoming harder to do. The last thing I wanted was for him to know what a pathetic world I used to live in. I couldn’t bear the thought of letting even a stain get on that innocence of his.

But I was selfish beyond belief.

No matter what happened, I didn’t want to miss a single chance of seeing him. That soon came to an end. That scumbag would come to our apartment even when my mother wasn’t home.  I didn’t have a choice but to listen to what he used to say. I feared about the worst which was why I kept quiet. “Go bring me food!”, “Clean up this mess!”, “Work you useless piece of s**t!”… that’s all that came out of his mouth. At the time, I did actually clean up after him. I was scared and I hated that fear in me. I felt conflicted beyond belief and frankly, I didn’t even understand what it was that I was feeling. I only knew one thing back then and that was the fact that if I kept quiet and did what he told me to, I would be okay.

Now I understand… “Ah, I really was a mere kid filled with naivety”.

That trashcan came to the apartment again after a few days and this time, my mother was home. He was completely drunk and it wasn’t even night yet. It was almost time to go out and meet Shinwonaa. But that day, he refused to let me leave. “Oi, where do you think you’re going?”, he said looking at me with his drowsy, red eyes. I was taken aback by the question, because this was the first time I was being asked this. My mother simply kept staring at me while all of this was happening. He suddenly started screaming saying, “ANSWER ME IDIOT ARE YOU DEAF OR SOMETHING?!”.