A Day Without You

Questions Unanswered

It became a habit for me after that. Everyday when I returned from school, I could see hyung from his apartment's balcony, waving at me rather excitedly. I would always return that wave with the same amount of excitement and happiness. He started playing with all of us everyday. He was always so happy, so bright... it became contagious. He helped the children by giving them pushes on swings, and looked after us while we played so that we wouldn't hurt ourselves. He was kind without reason.

But things started to seem a bit different suddenly.

About a year or two had passed. I went out of my building in the evening as usual and waited like I used to in front of the my building's gate. I looked towards the direction of his building, but he didn't appear. It seemed strange to me because he was never late. I kept looking at the road, which was more or less empty with only a few people walking around and a few cars parked on both sides of the lane. I kept looking... waiting but nothing appeared that day.

I did go to the park, in hopes that maybe he'd be there but, it was the same old scene... the scene before he arrived. The others didn't seem to worry as I did but I couldn't help it somehow. My mind was elsewhere and thus I couldn't enjoy my time at all. I sat on the exact same bench I'm sitting on right now and kept asking things to myself over and over again. "Should I go to his house?", "What if he doesn't want me to?"... things kept coming and going in and out of my head. I was only 8 then... and this had me rather confused. In the end, I didn’t get the courage to do anything. As I walked back home, I just kept looking at his direction… but it was no use. It was still just the road, filled with unknown people. That night, all I thought about was maybe seeing him the day after.

As I woke up, I did everything twice as fast so that I could go to him. But I was still too scared to visit him by myself. My head was already filled with twenty different kinds of emotions and it was only morning. My teacher worried about me as well for I was never this quiet before. When asked what had happened, I couldn’t answer. I didn’t know what I should’ve told her. I didn’t have the answers to even my own questions at the moment, which is why I couldn’t help but get quiet. Whilst returning from school, my heart started beating fast again, the fear still there… and that hope of seeing him again.

But he wasn’t there.

I was yet again devastated. I still remember feeling somehow abandoned. But I still kept waiting for him to return by himself. One day, two days… a week. He didn’t come, nor did I see him leave his building once. I grew even quieter. My mother finally spoke, asking me whether I was like this because of not seeing hyung. As she saw me answer ‘yes’ to that, she told me to get ready to go out. I was hesitant, for I didn’t exactly know where we were suddenly going. As we went out the main gate, I could see we were walking in the direction of his building. I tightened my grip on my mother’s hand and she just smiled at me saying, “It’s okay. Call him from here.”, as we stopped right in front of his apartment's balcony.

I stood there for a couple of minutes or so, hesitant to do anything further. Finally, I curled up my little hands into a ball and screamed loudly, "HYUNG, YOU THERE? WHY DIDN'T YOU COME PLAY?". I was breathless... my heart was beating way too fast and I was scared and expectant at the same time. That was a hard time for me, feeling all of those things together.

To my joy, I saw his little head peep through as the balcony's shutter slid to one side. But that joy didn't last long.

I was horrified.

His eyes were swollen, his face had red patches all over it, his hair all messy and he could barely move his lips, which were redder than usual. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. I was terrified and sad at the same time. I had never seen someone look like that before. My mother exclaimed in horror but I couldn’t turn my head towards her. I was standing absolutely still, just barely breathing and at the verge of crying. His voice caught me off-guard. It was the only thing that was same about him. Even that radiant smile of his looked broken then. “Shinwonna, it’s been a while”, he said in his cheerful voice. Now I realize… how hard speaking in front of me might have been for him back then. He was only a kid himself, but he couldn’t let it show because I was watching.  I couldn’t answer him. My voice disappeared and no matter how hard I tried, it refused to come out. Hyung replied then, “Shinwonna, give me a bit more time. I'll come play the day after tomorrow, okay?” smiling the best he could, possibly to calm me down. After waving goodbye to my mother, he looked at me saying, “ Wait for me okay? I’ll definitely come” smiling as he finally waved me goodbye before closing the door behind him.

I was still staring at the balcony, confused and rather shocked by what I had just seen. My mother carefully pulled me by the hand, taking me back home. But I kept remembering that face of his… hurt, sad and absolutely crushed.

I held myself steady till the day finally came. It was the day Hui hyung told me to wait for him. Time was not of importance to me that day. I waited in front of the building gate… I waited… and waited… until I finally heard a metal gate squeaking open. I jumped at that sound, looking at his building’s direction... and there he was. “SHINWONNAAA”, he screamed from the very end of the lane, running towards me at full speed. I was happy he was back to normal. He still had scars and patches on his face… but his eyes and smile were the same ones I was used to seeing. I was relieved.

Now I regret feeling relieved back then… For that relief of mine, didn’t last long.