2nd Edition: Crankgameplays Imagines

Used, broken but rebuilding #MeToo

If you want an explanation for why I disappeared, this imagine is my experience I have had the past month. I have tried typing this so many times but can never get myself to finish, before I continue on, Please keep the comments clean and appropriate, we are here to grow together not drag each other down with sadness, I hope my story can help you guys. #metoo

TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL ABUSE, MENTION OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

It was the greatest day I have had in the long time. My best friend since Freshman year, my lab partner, my partner in crime, just asked me out on a date. My first boyfriend was, to say the least, a manipulative dickbag. I will admit, I am not the most social and lovable person, this is my anxiety disorder talking, but- nobody cares about me and no one would love me. This wouldn't leave my head for the longest time. It had been 4 years since my last boyfriend what is wrong with me. 

Then came him,

He wouldn't hurt me,

He was my friend,

We went on our first date: we got dinner, saw a movie, went bowling and we sat in the backseat of his car. We cuddled and watched youtube in the back of his car.

He tried going faster than I wanted.

No.

Why is he touching my butt? Stop no.

Dude stop putting your hand up my shirt! Stop this isn't right.

I move his hand away from my butt and my shirt.

He moved his hand to my tit. 

He is groping my tit.

I scream but nothing will stop him.

He is making out with me and every time I pull away he holds my head to stay.

Stuck.

It took having 6 friends with me when confronting him for him to leave me be. We broke up and a part of me broke with it.

I told you. But you didn't tell me.

I warned you. No, you didn't? Why?

I wanted to say something but chose not to. Then why did you wish for me to go through this?

Why are these things said after the fact, when someone is dating someone you get about everything.

Aw how cute!

You guys are adorable together

KISS

Marry each other already.

Tell me before I ruin and waste my time. I am broken and used, don't leave me to let that happen.

I found out he used me, he thought I was vulnerable enough to give in to have sex with him. But I was stronger than he thought. He didn't like that.

I get nightmares that he is in my bedroom and won't leave.

I get panic attacks every time I see him.

He can look me in the eye with lust and a fake love in his eyes, all my eyes show is fear.

I skip class more than usual. I am embarrassed what happened and all I can share is that I am dealing with stuff at home. Teachers respect that but still question what is going on.

I felt like my life was useless. I was used and abused and I couldn't talk about it. 

I TOLD YOU SO

I WARNED YOU

I WANTED TO TELL YOU

YOU ARE AN IDIOT FOR THINKING IT WOULD WORK OUT

WHO WOULD BELIEVE YOU? 

WHY ARE YOU BLAMING YOUR OWN ISSUES ON HIM.

People are quick to judge, but our biggest judge is ourselves. 

I could have chosen to ignore them, but I let it set into my skin like a sunburn. 

I don't want to live like this anymore.

I don't want to live.

Then he came along,

Ethan Nestor, the first person to make me smile again. The first person I told everything to. The first person to not give a damn what my abuser did, but how I am dealing with it. The person who never left my bedside when I had nightmares. The comfort and hug supplier when I cried tears of fear. 

"I'm not leaving you because you are human and you are hurt"

"It's okay to cry, it shows you are letting it out and rebuilding your walls"

"Being strong is facing the world after all of that, people are quick to victim blame, but goddamn you are the strongest person I have ever met. You go on with a smile, it may be fake. But you and I both know you fake it til you make it and one day it will get easier,"

"I am not going to hurt you like he did, if at all. If I do, you and your friends can take turns punching me in the stomach, count on it" Boy did he mean that, the slightest argument he reminded me if I wanted to punch him I could.

"You are beautiful"

"You are strong"

"You are rebuilding"

"You are safe"

"You are here,"

It is because of Ethan that I can smile again, that I can trust and love again. Ethan was right, I am safe. Am I broken? Yes. Was I used? Yes. 

But I am rebuilding.

I am here, and I made it through it.

Do I look like hell? Yes.

I just got back.

I started to write this about 2 months ago but stopped because it was too much. But here I am, strong as can be- telling my story and putting forth strength that I hope anyone who is struggling can gain. We are unified and together, rebuilding and growing.

I love you all, stay safe and stay strong.

-PH