"owww."
i slowly sat up from the cold floor, rubbing the nape of my neck as pain pierced into me.
"you okay there?"
"AH!" i stumbled back over when a voice scared away all of the sanity i had left.
"changkyun?"
"boo!"
"HOW THE HECK DID YOU GET IN MY HOUSE?" i said as i kicked over his crouching body.
"there's a key that your neighbor has, remember?"
"uuggghh. why are you hereee?" i whined as he gave me a hand up.
"i wanted to talk to you. about what happened. i came in this morning but you were passed out."
"so you broke in?"
"technically, i have a key," changkyun said as he jangled around the metal object.
"so," he continued "let's talk."
changkyun put one of his hands in his pocket and pointed his other one toward the couch.
i curtly nodded and sat on the left side end while he sat on the right.
it was quiet until he turned to me and sighed, "why did you try to hurt me? or at least abandon me?"
"well, when you say it like that..."
"hyung."
i had never seen him be this serious before. he didn't seem angry but more curious or concerned.
"i...i don't know. sometimes i get flustered to the point of no self control."
changkyun nodded without saying anything. he could feel that there was more to the story.
"maybe," i said. he looked up at me, scooting closer as he felt the tension.
"maybe? what's wrong?"
i rubbed my arm and looked to the floor.
"maybe i like you."
i looked him dead in the eyes. our faces perfectly aligned.
"hyung-"
"you're straight. i know."
"but hyung-"
"please just leave!" i pushed him to the ground.
fear and a whole bunch of emotions i couldn't decipher were clear on his face.
he stood up and ran out of my apartment, leaving me to cry in privacy.
-it's a new day. it's new feelings.
i cut off the memories from yesterday.
i had obviously hurt him.
replaying the images of his face when i pushed him to the ground was enough to send shivers up my spine.i had felt horrible all night and i just gotten out of bed although i woke up at noon. it's six p.m and the sun was dipping low.
i tried to make myself feel like i was okay but i know i'm not.i started to mentally write a journal entry.
dear diary,
what a week. i've hurt changkyun more times than i can count, and i've only known him for what, two weeks? i've reached a new low. i don't think i'm ever going to talk to him again. i'm just going to go about my day like i never met him...even if it hurts me. yeah, let's do that.
sincerely, yoo kihyun
-
"hey hyung! over here!"
i put on a plastic smile and joined my two friends at the usual place we always sit.
"hyungwon-hyung, did you do well on the tests?"
"i think so. but i probably just got my usual score of seventy-five."
i looked down and tuned out the conversation. remembering that i had spent so much time with changkyun i forgot to study for the tests.
"kihyun? kihyun?"
"hm?" my head shot up as i was faced with my two concerned friends.
"are you okay? you spaced out there."
"i'm fine." i quickly answered. "what did you ask me?" hyungwon and jooheon gave each other a silent 'look' before asking me again.
"i asked if you're ready to see your test scores today?"
"haha. totally." a dry laugh escaped my chapped lips.
"you'll get the email tonight, right?" i nodded, silently, as the fake smile stayed plastered on my face.
i was so caught up in my thoughts that i almost didn't notice them mouthing a conversation and shrugging.
"if you have something to say, say it," i spat out.
there was shock on their faces and their jaws were slightly opened at my sudden outburst.
"well, that was the first emotion you've shown all day," hyungwon said, sighing.
"what's wrong, hyung?" jooheon asked nervously.
"everything."
when i opened my mouth to speak again the flood gates open and the quiet street was soon filled with my wailing.
"it's okay. there, there." hyungwon patted my back as i sobbed into his shoulder.
"kihyun. is it changkyun?"i rubbed my nose and looked up at him.
"how'd you know?"
"i saw him acting all secretive and very in his own head. he was on the phone a lot too. he left afternoon class early. said he had to meet someone."
"oh god. what if he and his friends throw food at my door and break stuff in my house? he has my key for god's sake!"
i then proceeded to sob harder.
"it didn't look like hatred. more like. jittery? or nervous?"
i wiped my tears and sat up. "what could that mean?"
