June 7, 2014
Oh were did things go wrong? Maybe I just didn't want to admit the fact that I was getting worse. I bottled all my emotions for so long that i just happened to explode. Bottleing these emotions made me get used to them so now im numb. I can't feel anything. I woke up not feeling anything towrds the guy and that scared me because this is a recent thing. I didn't feel like doing anything i couldn't even laugh or smile with my friends. My smiles are usually fake but not like this before. I didn't even feel like trying to fake smile. With that being said I did it again. 3-4 months of being clean went into the trash. I cut on my thighs this time. On Monday I cut on my right thigh and on thursday my left thigh. I know its getting worse because these were deeper than the ones on my are. The ones from thursday are deeper than the ones from monday. I also didn't cry when doing it I just had a blank face. The pain felt good though because I could actually feel it. My friends aren't making this much better. On thursday my friend was making fun of me because of my social anxiety. She was making fun of the fact that I don't like/can't (to) order food or pay. I told her it wasn't funny and to stop but she didn't. So i snapped at her because i was getting irratated with her but more with me. I wish it could be easy for me to do such simple things but i just cant. When ever I do have to pay for things or order food I practice what I am going to say and do, but i always get too nervous and make a fool out of myself. What bothered me was the fact that she was making fun of me because unfortunetly that is a part of me I can't seem to get rid of. On to another subject... I saw the fault in our stars yesterday and let me just say i was not prepared. I cried so much reading the book and the movie was not different. When i read the book i was at home so i didn't hold back my sobs but at the movies i did hold them back and that made my throat hurt. I still cried alot though i just held back my sobs. However when the movie was over i let all my sobs escape me and i was just crying and shaking and everything. I told my sister that i just wanted to sit there and cry while we listened to ed sheeran as the closing credit played. That movie has left me broken in to a million pieces. Im not okay now and i wont be for like another week. Of course thats just about the movie. What else do I have to a share? Oh yeah school ends on friday!!! I am so done with this school year even though its gonna way harder next year. We have finals on monday and tuesday and then we are practically done with school.
C.G
