July 10, 2013
I haven't wrote in a while. I've been debating if I should even continue to have this here. Truth is it helps me when I write things down. Maybe no one will read it, but some one might come across this. At least some one has the chance of being to understand me in a way. I've been feeling horrible lately. I had been working out for a week, but I just gave up on that. I was also watching what I ate. It made me feel better. After giving up on my workouts things kinda just fell apart. I haven't been watching what I have been eating, and I just feel terrible. I just want to throw everything up. I know I shouldn't do that, but I don't know if I'm going to be able to keep my self from doing it. I just need to stop eating so much so that I don't feel like that. I'm not a skinny girl but I'm not over weight. I don't have a flat stomach. My body is just a weird shape. I just can't stand how I look. Mirrors seem to be my worse enemies. They help me pick out my flaws and help me hate my self even more. People question why I don't like taking pictures. I just say that it's not my thing. After that there's no more questions. The truth is that I don't want my face up on the internet. I hate pictures because they capture all my flaws for everyone else to see. Sure people actually see me in person, but I can't do anything about that. Pictures of me always look terrible. I'm not exactly photogenic. There are girls that can take pictures of themselves at their worst and still look pretty. If I take a picture at my best it still looks ugly. All of these problems started when my Alexandra got sick. I won't say exactly what she got, but I will say that she still has it today. When she got sick everyone cared about her and only her. I was pushed off to the side. It may sound selfish but I was only eleven. It's hard been eleven and have no one to care for you. School was hard. My best friend and me were fighting. She was more popular then me so she had mostly everyone on her side. I had no one there for me. Fifth grade was the hardest thing ever. My life changed so much that year. It has actually made me who I am today. When my sister got sick she lost a lot of weight. She got so pretty and still is. Because of what she has her body matures a lot faster which is why she doesn't look like a 13 year old. People would always complement her. I had always been very skinny but I guess that year I began eating my problems away. My sister starting saying that I was getting bigger and would soon have a belly like theirs. After that day I decided that I wouldn't allow my self to look like that. I managed to lose some weight. I managed to look average. Throughout the years I managed to maintain my in between 100-110. I've weight around that much for 2 years going on to 3. Before I was okay with that. Being one of the lightest girls in my class. I was never afraid to share my weight and I'm still not. But even though I keep my self somewhat decent no one falls for me. They fall for my sister. I don't understand why. Before I thought it was because she was skinny but let's just say that she took a turn in different direction from skinny. I now know that, that wasn't it. My conclusion is that she's much prettier and when we got out she has a way of seeming thinner. She wears outfits that complement her body. If you saw her from the back she wouldn't think she had a belly. It's only when you look at get from her side that you notice. Maybe it's also because she's thick and it doesn't seem like to much. When I comes to me.. I can't pull off a belly. My legs are way to skinny. I'm the opposite of her. She's thick while I'm more of the bones type but with a tiny belly. The belly still doesn't fit though. If I gain any weight it all goes straight to my stomach and no where else. It's like I'm uneven. While she is in way. I just hate my self to much. Why couldn't I improve throughout the years. People still say that she is the prettiest one. When people make comments like those it rips me up a little each time. It makes me unwanted, rejected, and stupid for even trying to compete with her. I wish she could feel what I feel. If we could trade places maybe we will both understand each other more.
C.G
