March 2,2014
Wooo it's March! Sorry I couldn't update on Friday. My friend came over to work on a project in which we are building a bridge using only popsicle sticks and Elmer's glue. It's pretty difficult and I think our bridge is gonna break pretty fast. Well I haven't cut again and my scars are fading but I have started my eating problem again. I don't know what's wrong with me but I know what I'm doing is wrong but I just can't stop. I always point out other people's problems even though I know I have my own. I guess I just don't want people to know about mine. I get mad at myself when I lecture people about eating and liking themselves. I hate being such a hypocrite but I just don't want to seem heartless towards others when I know that feeling. Once again the battles in my brain become stronger. You know what I also did this week? I hinted at my friend that I had a problem and she didn't catch it even though it was pretty obvious. I was lecturing her about eating cause she didn't want to eat because she thought she was getting fat. I ended my little lecture or more like rant by saying, " I should know." She didn't say anything about that and it kinda hurt. My rant was about what not eating does to you. God I'm such a hypocrite. I honestly need to stop saying stuff about that when I can't take my own "advice". Things will probably get worse from here but you guys won't know for sure until next week. Oh but next week I have a party to go to so that means a lot more food, YAY!!(note the sarcasm) Well at least being vegetarian helps in all of this. Did I tell you guys I became vegetarian? I don't remember if I did but yeah. It provides a good reason for not eating as much. My parents just came back from vacation and they brought back a lot of chips and bread so that will be kinda difficult but I can be very self disciplined. Umm what else can I tell you? I guess nothing much... I haven't been purging through this so that's good right? I know I have good life and I know I have family that loves me but there's still something in my brain that makes me think the worse. Then again it's not only my fault. There actions and words can be hurtful. Like when my older sister told me she was happy about the way I turned out. She was happy that I changed the way I used be. She was happy I was being the way that was acceptable in society. Yeah I did change and I'm still trying to change into that image but an older sister shouldn't be happy to see me be like everyone else. Of course my personality is quite complicated and they a lot of sides of it but they don't know the one that I see the most. They see a crazy teenage girl with no filter who doesn't care what others think about her. I am a crazy teenage girl but I do have a filter and I do care what people think. Even though my family likes the "way" I am it's still not enough. I'm usually left alone but I go looking for the others. When the real fun starts I get left behind. Then they start making comparisons and it gets worse. I remember the way I was through elementary school and I guess I got tired of being left behind so when highschool started I tried to change that. I still failed at it though my personality, my truthfulness was too much for people to handle I guess. I know I drive my friends crazy with everything I say or do but that's me or at least a version of me. And my friends yeah their my friends and everything but I still get left out a lot. I'm tired of changing myself into someone I'm not comfortable with and when I do that, that's when I get left behind. I remember when I told my mom that I felt alone even though there were people everywhere and she told me, " well you have to try to change too". Do you know how much that hurt me. I just wanted to scream. How much did I have to change to be accepted? Why couldn't I just be me? As I'm writing this the thoughts in my head are getting all tangled up. Every thought wanted to be written out but if I keep going I think I'll confuse you and I even more.
C.G
