Stars - Phan AU

Chapter 1

It was late on a chilly March evening, and the stars were shining overhead. Couples gathered on the hill to marvel at their beauty. Dan was among those people, though he was alone. This was one of his nightly rituals. He seemed to have many daily rituals, too.

His days seemed to repeat on and on and on. 

Wake up.
Shower.
Go to school.
Go to work.
Remember to eat.
Finish homework.
Got to the park.
Go to sleep.
Repeat.

Dan was tired of going through the same damn day. There were slight variances, but mostly, he just felt like he was living through Groundhog Day.

The best part of his day, though, was going to the park at night. He would bring his backpack and blanket and sit on the hill. Some days he would lay down, others he would sit, and very occasionally he would stand. And, instead of being productive and doing work or sleeping, Dan would watch the stars.

Space fascinated him to no end. He loved to think about the extreme vastness of space. It was never-ending! Or was it growing? Not even scientists knew! And this was so fascinating to him that he spent every minute of every day thinking about it. 

But, thinking about space made him feel awful, too.

It made him realize that no matter how hard he tried, no matter what he did, none of it would make any difference in the long run.

Earth would keep spinning, space would keep existing (or growing, WHO KNOWS???), and other people would continue to live their lives without him.

And this thought crippled Dan. He hated and loved to think about space. He loved the wonder of thinking about it as he went through his day. But he hated the depressed feeling he experienced shortly after a good thinking session.

Here Dan was, this living being on this dying planet spinning through the galaxy at insanely high speeds while simultaneously spinning around a giant ball of flaming gas. And here he was, feeling sorry for himself. There could be thousands of other galaxies and beings and ecosystems out there with thousands of different laws of physics and matter, and he would never know. 

Never.

Now, it is important to know that Dan wasn't depressed. At least, he had never had a diagnosis. He had never wanted one either. Whenever his mother would ask about what had him down in the dumps, he would just reply with one excuse or another. "I'm tired." "I have a lot of homework." "I have a ton of exams to study for.", etc. His mother never seemed worried about it too much, and the conversation would end at that.

Dan had no intentions of taking his own life, either. He found it selfish that people would want to take their own lives and remove themselves from society so violently. It seemed horrible that someone would emotionally damage the people around them so much because they were too selfish to continue living. But, he didn't hate people for it. He understood that people had their own shit to deal with, just like him, but they had different coping mechanisms. Or... no coping mechanisms. He would be lying if he told someone that he had never thought of suicide; that he had never seen a tall building and thought, I could end it all right now if I jump off of that. But he, of course, had never followed through with these thoughts.

Dan did, however, physically harm himself. Sometimes he did it while he was watching the stars. It was always something small, like tiny cuts with a pocket knife or hitting himself until he bruised. The small boost of adrenaline that came with this was what got him through his days. He never meant anything out of it, but he normally just felt so miserable sometimes that he needed to feel something, anything.

Today, Dan was laying down under a tree far away from the other couples. He had an over-sized black sweatshirt and grey sweatpants on as a way to keep himself warm. Yes, it was almost the end of winter. But, he hated the cold and he was not about to let it ruin his stargazing. He had had a long day at school, full of assemblies and socializing with people and learning about what to do with his future. And, of course, work was boring as ever. Having to deal with tired parents ordering food for their screaming children every day could take a toll on a person.

He pulled his pocket knife from his sweatshirt pocket and examined it, twisting it in his hands and watching as the light from the stars and streetlights glinted off the blade. He looked back up at the sky, smiling to himself. This was the point of the day where he was happiest. He was alone, looking at space, lost in his thoughts. These thoughts often provided him with some sort of comfort, whereas other times they provided him with more boredom or self-loathing. Today, they were somewhat comforting. If he was asked to describe his thoughts to someone, there was no way he'd be able to. His thoughts were confusing as hell, but he loved them. He continued to look at his pocket knife and the sky, lost in his thoughts and lonesome, until someone suddenly interrupted him.

"Hey, I like your pocket knife."

Dan sat up immediately and stared at whoever had just said that. His wide brown eyes connected with a pair of kind, light blue ones. Upon closer examination, Dan realized that this person was a student at his school, and someone who often came to his workplace with friends to order shitty food and drinks and chat in the corner. His black hair was darker than his surroundings, even though Dan could blame this on the fact that his eyes had adjusted to the darkness, and his pale skin practically glowed from the illumination of the stars.

It took Dan about a minute of him staring before he realized that this boy had said something, and he blurted out a flustered reply, "Th-Thank you." He was not good at this socializing thing.

The boy let out a small, but full laugh. "You're here every day, right?" he asked. Dan nodded, and the boy smiled. "Me too. Although, probably not as long as you have. I started doing it last week." He shrugged, and adjusted himself so he was sitting closer to Dan, but now was looking at the sky. "Stars are cool."

"Yeah," was all Dan could say. He was glad that it was too dark to see his blush, because he was sure he looked at red as a tomato. He quickly put his pocket knife in his bag.

"it's pretty late, isn't it?" The boy asked, looking around the hill. Many couples had left at this point, and the few remaining ones were packing up to leave. Dan must have been in thought for hours.

"Oh, yeah, I guess so," Dan said. He quickly stood and started packing his blanket into his backpack. "I should head home."

"Me too." The boy stood, and started to help Dan. Soon he was all packed, and the boy smiled at him as he slung the bag on his shoulder. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow, right?"

Dan smiled a little and nodded. "Yeah, sure," he said, looking the boy up and down and memorizing how he looked.

"Can't wait. I'll see you then, star boy."

And with that, the two strangers set off in different paths, both going to a different destination.