Lost Tapes ♡ h.s.

Tape 6

April 28th 2014, 12:03am

                                                      Hastily, as if his minutes were being counted and he had to run for his life, Harry raced back to the stream. With long steps he approached the flank of the little hill that led down to the water of the stream. Carefully, Harry slid down and reached out for the last tape, his tape. When he wrapped his fingers around it a sigh of relief was audible.

 With the tape in his hand he walked back to the spot where he was sitting half an hour ago. Suddenly his phone rang and he saw that his mother was calling. He refused to take the call but his eyes caught a glimpse on the date.

 April 28th

 Exactly a month ago Clary had committed suicide. A month ago she had left him without telling anyone about it. The tape in his hand suddenly felt like the heaviest weight he had ever carried in his entire life. The part of him that didn't want to find out what Clarissa had recorded herself saying got smaller and smaller. A burning desire to find out what she had to say about him appeared inside of him and he wondered if she was going to say "I love you" this time.

 Because he really missed her saying those words and he wished she would have made a tape where she had repeated this sentence over and over again. But she didn't and even if she had Harry wouldn't have been allowed to keep it. He would have been allowed to listen to it just once and then he would have had to throw it away, like every other tape.

 With shaking fingers he placed the tape in the Walkman and pressed play. Harry had never been so afraid to listen to a tape like he was right now.

 "Tape 6...wow. I had a whole speech planned in my head because I wanted to tell you the right words, the words you deserve to hear but now they are all gone.

 I don't even know where to begin. Should I begin with all the kind and amazing things you have done for me? Or should I start with why I have fallen in love with you? Or should I tell you why I dedicated a tape to you?

 I don't know but what I know is that you were a huge reason that has kept me from killing myself for a long time.

 I guess, I'll start with how we met. It was at Lilly's birthday party, remember? It was one of those typical birthday parties where the girl invites all her girl friends and only two guys because she is too shy to invite more guys and fears to be rejected.

 You and Jason were the only guys at the birthday party and we played some very childish games. I had a crush on Jason at that time and when he introduced me to you I wasn't really paying attention to you.

 I thought you were cute with your little curls that were framing your face and your green eyes. Your dimples that I still find cute even though you hate it when I call you cute. You can be the most adorable boy in the world, or the most protective boyfriend, the most affectionate lover, the best friend someone could possibly wish for. You are all I ever wanted in one person and I'm so grateful that I was allowed to love you.

You've grown less innocent over the years and you've become very confident in everything. We were good friends at that time and I've watched you getting tattoos and piercing at the age of 16, shortly before we've become a couple. I've always admired the way you ornamented your body.

 Your new, confident side dared to ask me out and of course I said yes. I slowly started to have a crush on you the longer we went out and I completely forgot about Jason. He was only a friend to me and you were so much more...until you became my everything.

 When you asked me to be your girlfriend, I can still remember the feeling clearly, I was on cloud nine. All the girls  have always admired you from afar but also kind of feared you because of your appearance and reputation. You've never seemed to be interested in anyone else and I felt special when I was with you. Thank you for that, Harry.

 My friends became your friends and well, you thought your friends became mine. But we both, you and me, Harry, we were a team. We always were a team until my self-doubts took over me. Our relationship made me so strong and so confident, but at the same time it made me so weak and vulnerable.

 Our relationship wasn't easy, at least not for me. We fought, we broke up and five minutes later we came back together. Just typical teenager stuff. But we were so in love. We laughed and we cried and I couldn't be any more grateful for the beautiful time I was allowed to share with you.

 I remember all our first times that we shared together. The first time we kissed when we were swimming. I remember how awkward it was at first. I remember the first time we held hands in school. I remember the first time you introduced me as your girlfriend. I remember when I introduced you to my parents for the first time and had an argument with them afterwards because of how you look.

 I remember the first time we made love and this is a moment I will forever cherish because it was so beautiful and it was so full of love. The way you held me and told me you loved me, the way you kissed me and caressed my body. I didn't know love can be so beautiful. 

 But this huge wall inside of me kept me from telling you about all these things that happened to me. All you knew was that people were accepting me, liked me even but that was never really the case. Some did, some didn't. I guess, it's always like that.

 Some people won't like you as well, Harry, but please never ever give up the way I did. Leave those people, beat them up, I don't care how you show them that you don't care but never give up, never believe them.

 I give up because I care too much I care about their opinions when I shouldn't and I can't shut out this screaming voice inside of my head. Even right now, it is screaming at me to hurry up, you know? I've had a headache ever since this voice appeared and I've never been able to tell you what is wrong with me, I've never given you the chance to save me from myself.

 My parents of course did not like you. You didn't look like the type of boyfriend they had imagined for me, you didn't behave the way they wanted my boyfriend to behave. But they didn't know you. I knew you, I still know you. You are what I always needed when I needed it. 

You have this hard outer shell but you were so different with me. So loving, gentle and patient.

 Nevertheless, you are on my list like four other people. I hope you are going to understand why you are receiving a tape. I really hope you do.

 Anyway, maybe I should start with telling you why. Harry, darling, I've put you on my list as well because..."

 Harry freaked out after Clarissa had stopped talking. His fingers pressed the play button multiple times, he took the tape out and tried to blow dust away, put it back in and pressed play again.

 But nothing worked. All he heard were the same words again and again. But she never started with the reasons why he had received a tape, what he did wrong. There was nothing, just a quiet, grainy noise.