Lost Tapes ♡ h.s.

Tape 4

 April 26th 2014, 08:27pm

                                                        A few days had passed since the incident with Jason. After that Harry hadn't tried to talk to him and so far Jason hadn't tried to approach him either. Jason also did not tell anyone about it and kept quiet about what happened to him. It seemed as if he had understood Harry's message.

 No one had wondered why Harry's knuckles were bloody or why he wore blood stained jeans to school. Harry could have worn other jeans, he could have cleaned them but he didn't because he didn't care. No one knew about the connection between his bloody knuckles and Jason's injuries. And even if they did, Harry would still not care.

 Right now, Harry sat on the floor in his room. Both his parents were gone. The box full with tapes was in front of him. There were only three tapes left. He hadn't listened to a tape for five days and he didn't feel the desire to hear even more painful things about Clary he hadn't know about in the first place.

 Nevertheless, Harry picked out Tape 4 and pressed play. He leaned against the edge of his bed and closed his eyes, pretending that Clary was sitting right in front of him and told him the story, face to face.

 "We are already on Tape 4, wow. Isn't that amazing? Not for you, maybe, but for me it is really great because...if I see it right...it is right now...oh yeah! It is currently 5pm and I planned to be done with this around 9pm.

 Harry, I guess I'm right when I say that you went to beat Jason up, right? You know what? I'm proud if you did. I don't have anything against it. I actually wanted that for a long time. If you didn't, which is very unlikely since that wouldn't be you, I'm still proud of you.

 This tape is actually about two people but let us consider them as one. My parents. Wey hey, who thought my parents would be on the list as well? You probably didn't see that one coming.

 All you know is that my parents and I have this super-duper relationship that every teenager would kill for. My mother is my best friend and my father protects me from all the bad boys...well except from you. He could never protect me from you but again, this is a different story.

 Sadly, this image you always had of us isn't anything like it really is. Whenever you aren't at my house, my parents yell at me and make me feel...so bad about myself.

 As you might remember from Tape 1 my self-esteem has never been the best. I was insecure and vulnerable but still strong enough to never show it anyone, not even you. I have never been good enough for my parents. They wanted a perfect daughter. Blonde hair, blue eyes but I was just me. I didn't look anything like they wanted me to. My strawberry blonde hair was like a disgusting disease to them and my weird brown-greenish eyes...don't let me start on them.

 The only thing they accepted was the shape of my body. They did think I could knock off a couple more pounds. I know you already think I'm too skinny. You've always worried about my health. But my parents wanted me to be perfect. Remember when I dyed my hair blonde? It wasn't me who wanted that.

 My parents sent me to the gym whenever I wasn't with you. My parents barely gave me food. I can't even tell you how many times I went to bed with a growling stomach.

 I put my parents on my list because they tortured me in some way. They wanted me to be someone I couldn't be. Aren't parents supposed to love their children as who they are? This is why they are on my list. Because I never felt as loved as I should have felt. Not until you came into my life but even you couldn't fill the entirety of this void inside of me...

 And no matter how often I told my parents that this is not the way you treat your child: They never listened! They locked me in my room, they refused to give me food. I've collapsed so many times, countless times. Passing out because I would overtrain my weak and malnourished body. I felt so weak and I felt so disgustingly thin. I was ashamed of my body, Harry, so ashamed. 

 As you heard by now my life has never been as perfect as you thought it was. You probably think that you don't know me at all. But that's not true. You know me. You just didn't know about the things that made me me. You knew about some of pain but I was never able to bring myself to tell you all about it. I know you look at me differently now. I couldn't have beared to see you look at me differently then. 

 I beg you not to hurt my parents for what they have done to me. They let me suffer, yes, but I don't want them to suffer. After all, they are my parents and even though they did not love me, I love them. A huge part of me hates them, despises them even but another part, the little child inside of me, still loves them as much as a child could possibly love their parents.

 Because I know you so well, I had a little message hidden for you in this tape: I know you always push your parents away, you ignore them and you don't want to talk to them. Stop this, please. Let them care for you. Accept the fact that your parents love you, no matter how embarrassing they are in your opinion. Don't push them away,  because everyone needs a family.

 This was it for Tape 4. There are only two tapes left and I already know those two will be the hardest for me to record. Anyway, thank you for listening to me, Harry. I see you in Tape 5."