Solo's Jedi ~Poe Dameron/Star Wars ~

Chapter Thirty Six: A Superior

"I can see why you like her," he said, with a slight groan, and I struggled to hold back a laugh. "She's as stubborn as you are, but she shows such potential. It's a strength I haven't felt since... Well, since we were at the academy,"

"Do you miss it?" I asked, feeling stupid in my question because of course he would miss it, but it just felt nice to mention it to someone else who'd been there, who knew it the way I did. "I know it hurts but do you ever just..."

"Think back and smile out of fond nostalgia?" he finished my sentence, a sceptic and almost patronising look on his face as he raised one of his eyebrows. "Occasionally, yes, but not often. That was my whole purpose of coming here, and the reasoning behind you going to Jakku,"

"We can't hide forever though," I sighed, realising how much more peaceful my life would be if I'd have stayed in hiding on Jakku.

Peaceful, and probably less painful. If I'd have stayed on Jakku, if Finn and Rey hadn't ran to the Falcon instead of one of the inferior ships in the dock bay, I'd probably still be hiding, alone. Finn and Rey probably would have never found my Dad and Chewie, and maybe they'd have found the Resistance on their own. Maybe my Dad would still be alive, but then maybe the Resistance would have still tried to destroy Starkiller Base. Without us taking out the Oscillator, the Resistance would have probably been destroyed. If I'd have stayed on Jakku, I'd have never reunited with my parents. I'd still think Izzy and Erika were dead. I'd never have finally faced up to my - still terrifying and confusing - feelings for Poe. Everything would be so different, and perhaps I'd be a little safer there than I was on the Raddus as the First Order persued us, but I'd have still been alone.

"General Solo," a voice called, severing my connection to my uncle. I looked up, pulling myself back to my feet as I faced up to the cautious looking medic, trying to ignore the look of sympathy in their eye. "You can go in now,"

I nodded, pushing past them into my mother's room. I quickly crossed the room and knelt by my mother's bedside, though I found myself unable to look at her properly. It felt as though, if I looked at her, it would all become real, and I refused to face up to that reality. I refused to even consider living in a world where I didn't have her to guide me, to look after me. Instead, I gently reached out and took her hand, stroking her soft skin as I admired her wedding ring.

Dad never wore a wedding ring, but Mum always did, and it was one I always found beautiful. Just seeing it reminded me of my Dad, and instantly the memory of him dying at the hand of my brother replayed in my mind. I flinched, and as the strong pain of grief rushed through me I quickly pulled my hand away, not trusting myself to not shoot lightning. I grimaced at the thought, taking a few deep breaths before I got to my feet, pacing across the room.

I didn't know what to do. I felt the anxious stir in my stomach of uncertainty, and the conflict of my emotions made me feel as though I wanted to break down and cry. Not again, I insisted, not wanting to cry again. I was tired of feeling like an emotional mess, but yet it seemed so hard. To try and distract myself I paced over to the window. From this angle, I couldn't see the First Order fleet, so I wondered if I could convince myself that things were fine, but I refused to do that. Trying to forget would be like I was back on Jakku, still hiding from everything.

I pushed a lock of my hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear, gazing out of the large window. I imagined the Falcon shooting past us, my dad and Chewie coming to our rescue with Rey and Uncle Luke. That was impossible; Dad was dead and the others were far, far away. It wasn't like one of the stories of my childhood, no one was coming to rescue us, we were on our own.

Everything was so complicated now, I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I was meant to be a general yet I was clueless as to how I should lead the Resistance in my mother's absence. I was Leia Organa's daughter, people would trust and support me, but I had no idea how I coud prove myself to them, not as the General's daughter but as a General myself. I couldn't help but think that their trust would be misplaced. My mother was nineteen when she watched her home planet be destroyed only to carry on and help destroy the death star. By the time she was my age she had been part of the rebellion, helped destroy the empire and establish the new republic as a senator. Compared to her, I had done nothing.