Aqua Terrarium (Nagi No Asukara)

Chapter Twenty-One

I hastily wiped my tears before trying my best to put up a smile. "Kaname! Where's Hikari?"

It was the best segue I could come up with at the moment. I didn't think Kaname of all people would come back and get me; usually Manaka was the one doing that whenever one of us got left behind.

"What happened?" But of course Kaname would ignore my plea to change the topic; I must've worried him to the point that he wouldn't let me drop the conversation.

I couldn't possibly tell him the reason, the fact that Tsumugu's words had affected me so. I can tell that the silence has dragged on far too long, my inability to respond had prompted him to glance suspiciously behind me- at Tsumugu.

My saving grace had been the announcement, a sigh of relief escaping my lips before composing myself as I turn to Tsumugu, the mask I built up not going unnoticed by him.

He had to understand- that this wasn't the best time. It's true that if I didn't make a move then nothing will happen but... Not yet. I can't afford to tell him, not when all of us are still trying to understand our feelings.

"Thank you for taking me this far, Tsumugu." I bow rather abruptly, Tsumugu remaining silent as if acquiescing to my silent plea to not say anything. Instead, he returned my gesture with his own slight nod. "Very well, see you tomorrow." He bid, his gaze never leaving mine until he went past me.

I turned behind me to see Kaname give him a long look of contemplation, the suspicious glance he gave a while back dimming when Tsumugu passed him.

Now- it was Kaname who I had to persuade.

--*--

We walked silently across the bridge, my fingers fumbling with each other at the uncomfortable silence.

I didn't know what was going on in his head, I couldn't even see his expression since he opted to walk ahead of me. I felt like a child waiting nervously to see if my parents would scold me. Could it be that he heard everything and is now assessing the situation on how to go about it? Kaname did have a tendency to do that-

"Aoi."

I jumped at his voice before immediately composing myself, thanking the Sea God that he didn't see the look of nervousness on my face or the way I suspiciously jumped like a guilty criminal.

"Y-Yes?" I inwardly face-palmed before mentally scolding myself for stuttering. This time, I saw Kaname had stopped walking- his profile glancing at me from where he stopped. He was giving me that worried look again, the one he always gave when he knew I was trying to steer the topic off when I didn't want to talk about it.

"During lunch, when you said 'gave up' Hikari paused. Were you referring to his feelings for Manaka?"

My eyes widened at his question- so did he-,

"Neh, Aoi. Please be honest, could it be that you really do like Tsumugu?" Kaname added, the question enough to stir the ugly beast in my heart.

So he didn't hear? And now he suspects that I'm upset because Hikari doesn't approve of me with Tsumugu all because of Hikari's feelings for Manaka?! I know that there should be no reason for me to feel upset. In fact, shouldn't I be glad, isn't this what I asked for? Yet why am I feeling disappointed? Why am I upset about him not hearing it?

Is it because of what Tsumugu had said? Because deep down, I really did want to try harder and get him to notice me?

"N-no. It's not that..." I tried to say, my eyes downcast while my hands slowly clenched into fists. "It's not that at all."

That's right, I probably am getting desperate. I can't help but hope he sees through my words but of course- I know he can't. Not when I'm also praying that he doesn't see past it. I'm such an indecisive person. I want to be happy- we all do-but if my happiness comes at the expense of hurting him? Then what's the point?

I want him to look past her and see me. I want that more than anything but there are times I wonder if maybe it's already too late? Having pushed him away for so many years- what if there's no chance for me to say it?

Kaname sighs at my words, that half-smile of his making its way to his lips. "It's not something you can say, is it?"

I feel like shouting out to him the truth, the reason why this is the one topic I can't confide to him. I can feel my clenched hands shaking but I make no move to speak. I know he's hurt, about me keeping secrets from him of all people, but I just can't move my mouth and tell it to him.

Because it scares me- the answer I will receive if I confess.

"B-but... If there's one thing I want to say-" I whispered before facing him full-on, my own steadfast eyes meeting his widening ones. "Is that it's not what you all think. Tsumugu isn't- I don't like him that way at all!" I yelled aloud, my cheeks turning bright red at my declaration.

What on earth do I hope to achieve by saying this? It's not like Kaname would feel relieved if I told him.

That was what I kept on thinking and yet, I couldn't help but be surprised when Kaname chuckles at my answer. "I see." He nods, his figure suddenly closing in on me, my heart suddenly hammering like crazy at his nearing proximity. "Somehow, I can't help but feel relieved that you told me the truth. I'm sorry if I forced it out from you. I just can't help but worry about everyone seeing as everything's been off these past few days," he admitted in an apologetic manner, the slight relief in his eyes replaced once again by that aching loneliness.

My heart once again clenches at sight, realizing that by being vague, I had ended up making him worry. If Chisaki was the vocal one when it came to fussing over us then Kaname was her silent counterpart. It had indeed bothered him about what happened between Hikari and I, probably blaming himself for being unable to do anything.

That was his selfless love for our friendship and I ended up making him feel isolated because I had confided in Tsumugu and not him... Because he had assumed that because we were friends- the first who I had befriended- then I would turn to him when something went wrong.

It had always been that way and yet ever since we went to Mihama... It had been Tsumugu and not him who I ended up talking to lately.

"It's getting late. We should head on home," Kaname doesn't give me the chance to explain myself, as if hearing my little outburst was already enough for him.

It's obvious that I should let it end here but a part in me doesn't want to leave it at such a delicate conclusion. I grew up with them, after all. Knowing Kaname, he would never admit it, so if I don't speak up now then it's only going to hurt him more.

"U-Uhm- wait!" As if a surge of courage engulfs me, my own body unconsciously moves after him, my hands immediately clasping his own to stop him.

I don't face him, afraid that he'd see the tomato red color marring my cheeks. Since when did I become this forward? I shake my head to dispel the nervousness before taking a deep breath to steady my heart once again. "I-Next time! I'll make sure to tell you if something is troubling me..."

I wait with abated silence for his response. With each second ticking by, I can't help but grow nervous at his silence. Maybe it was too abrupt? After all, it wasn't like me to blurt out my feelings like that. Just when I'm about to lift my head though, I feel his hand land gently on my head- my eyes widening at the gesture I haven't felt in a long time.

"Thank you, Aoi." The gratitude in his voice from just saying those few words makes my heart leap, my eyes slowly looking up to catch his face.

Once again, that simple yet genuine smile decorates his face, my blush turning even redder as I remain mesmerized at the sight.

Against the sea's setting sunlight- that for me is where Kaname's view is the most breathtaking. His cool and calm persona accentuated by the clashing warm hue. A blue flame just as passionate as its fiery red counterpart. As much as it pains me to say it, Kaname is like Chisaki in a way- incapable of seeing their own beauty just because the one they like can't seem to see it.

I wish I could tell him this- at this moment where it's just us- I can't help but want to say it-

Yet my mouth won't open to say it out loud...