Faux Bastard

Chapter 4

I saw a figure lying on the couch. . . sleeping.

It was my father.

He has his head on the armrest, his lips slightly parted as he breathes softly. I walk over to the couch opposite of my father quietly, not wanting to wake him up. He looks so peaceful for once, it really is a rare sight. He's only forty, but he has those prominent frown lines that make him look so much older. I can't really blame him though, he has been through a lot. Hell, we both have been through a lot together.

I never had a normal childhood, it was always chaotic and bad things are always inevitable. Even my existence was a fucking accident. My mother had me when she was sixteen, and my father was barely twenty one. Too young, too unprepared to have me.

I guess that's why their marriage didn't work. They tried for a while, but both of them were so miserable. When my little brother died, that's when our family hit rock bottom. The deepest, darkest hell-based rock bottom. After his divorce with my mother nine years ago, he barely shows any emotion, and his smiles never seem to reach his eyes anymore.  

After standing there and watching my father sleep intently for what it seems like hours, it started raining heavily and I feel a slight chill and realised one of the windows is slightly open. After making sure all the windows are close, I took the spare blanket from the sideboard and carefully put the hand-knitted blanket on my father, pulling it up to his chest. 

A photograph fell from his hand. The photograph is wrinkle, almost like it has been held a lot of time. I took the photograph, trying my best to flatten it with my hands before taking a good look on it. Jace. It was a photograph of my younger brother−my late brother; Jace Hart. He passed away thirteen years ago, when he was only four years old. When he lost his battle to cancer, it felt like our whole family was defeated. My mother took it the hardest−after all, Jace is the golden child in our family. He still is.

After we found out Jace was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, our family lost its glow. All hell breaks loose ever since. I spent half of my childhood in the hospital's waiting room, only seeing my parents giving their full attention to my brother from afar. I used to think it wasn’t fair, and I never understood the reason why. I was just a little child after all. I felt so alone when all I want was to be with my family. 

The night Jace died, I've never seen my mother cried harder. Even my father, one of the manliest man, shed tears. I remember people wearing all black in the funeral. Even though I was just six, I understood that Jace wasn't with us anymore. The day Jace was buried was the day our family's happiness was shattered down and buried deep down with his cold, lifeless body.

They’d thought after he died, I would took his place and be my parents’ golden child−but it was never the case. If anything, I was abandoned more. My mother left, leaving me behind with my father. And my father, he busied himself with his work more than ever. It was hard being a child when no one was there to tuck you in every night. It was hard being a child when no one was there to remind you that you’re loved.

And it goes on for ages.

Although I live with my father after my mother left, I can’t help but feel like I'm growing up all by my own. I put my guard up so high, that was until Eli came and put me out of my misery. For once, I feel loved again. He loved me despite of my cynical nature. He loved me so much that he made me forgot about the hole in my heart. I suppose that's why I was so broken when Eli died, he showed me what love is and what love feels like and I couldn't ask for anything else. He was my constant, the only one that was there for me when my family wasn't.

Living with my father wasn't all fun and love. I was forced to grow up too fast. Although their divorce was based on mutual decision, I would sometimes saw my dad weeping in his room while looking at my mother's picture.

Up until this day, I haven’t heard any news from my mother and just the thought of it makes me want to break down and cry. I used to think she loved me, I know it wasn’t as much as her love for Jace, but I am her daughter. Her only daughter.

I guess she doesn't really love me. I guess it was a fake love.