Aftermath

Chapter Eighty Three

The week was tense in their household. They'd spoken very little after Erin had made her dramatic display of throwing out the clothes Jay had worn to the bar. Erin was distant and Jay couldn't help but feel like he was loosing her. He kept looking for openings to talk to her more but her body language was clear. She wasn't ready to talk yet. So Jay had no choice but to respect her need for time.

Hank stood firm on Jay being unofficially suspended and reluctantly called Erin back to duty on Tuesday, he just couldn't manage their case load down two detectives. Jay felt bad he was the reason she had to cut her time home with Lily short. It was almost comical now, he thought self deprecatingly, the amount of guilt he carried.

Erin asked Aunt Helen to care for Lily and when Jay pointed out to his aunt that he could watch her since she wasn't supposed to start full time for another week, his aunt had not minced her words.

"What you need to be doing is pulling your head out of you behind and fixing things in that brain of yours." She'd said before quietly sliding a brochure from Veterans Affairs on PTSD across the table to him with a cup of coffee. "My father served. He came home a different man. Back then we were too dumb, too proud to talk about these things. A man was supposed to buck up and pretend like he hadn't seen the face of hell. It's not like that now. There's no shame in what you're feeling love. There's no need to suffer like this alone. No need to put your family through this. You want to make things right with Erin? Want to show Lily how a real man behaves? Talk to these people." She'd said and then gotten up and went to wake Lily for the day.

He'd taken her words to heart, perhaps it was her choice of words. She knew he'd respond to the call to be a real man. She knew how much that comment would sting his pride. It was almost a dare. And she knew he was desperate to fix the pain he'd caused Erin. If she'd been younger she'd have done cartwheels when Jay told her he'd gone down to Veterans Affairs later that morning. She loved all the Halstead boys, they were her family after all, but she'd lost count of how many times she wanted to plunder the stubborn pride right out of them. Every last one of them had let that pride lead them down a path of stupidity at least once in their lives.

Jay wasn't really sure what to expect when he stepped through the doors of the VA. He was nervous when he'd approached the front desk and asked to speak to someone about their ptsd support group. But an hour later he was banging on Mouse's door, feeling some semblance of control back in his life now that he felt a plan coming together. After apologizing for his behaviour the day before Jay dragged his friend to the gym. While they sparred Jay told Mouse what he'd learned and that they were both going to a ptsd group meeting that night.

The first meeting had been brutal. Jay wasn't a talker and sat silently listening to the other men and women tell their stories. He knew at some point he'd have to speak up but just being in the room felt like a huge step for him. He'd come home after Lily and Erin were in bed that night, slightly relieved to be alone. He wasn't sure yet how to share what was going on with him with Erin. He knew he needed to, he knew it's what she needed from him, but with the wall she'd put up talking was even harder.

Erin wasn't the only one who'd built up a wall around her. Taking her emotional cues from her aunt, Lily had become more leery of Jay. Or maybe it was the bruises marking his face that had Lily eyeing him cautiously. Jay had decided that being Erin's niece, and so much like Erin, Lily would likely appreciate honestly and directness so Jay had sat down with her and told her he'd gotten the bruises sparring with Mouse when they'd both been upset and things got out of hand. She'd greeted his explanation with silence and asked to go play in her room after. Jay let her go but couldn't help but feel frustrated with himself.

"You should feel bad," Aunt Helen chastised him from the kitchen where she'd been listening while preparing a meal.

"Gee thanks," Jay replied sarcastically.