One Hundred Sleepless Nights With Him

Day.45

"Oh well I just wanted to say that I'm sorry I keep leaving so late at night" he says quickly.

"It's fine why would I care anyway" I curse at myself why I can't I just tell him how I feel.

I watch in dismay as his face fall and he walks out. I'm such an idiot why do I always have to be rude whenever I feel something? Why is immediate reaction to say something mean? I just wanted to tell him that it was fine and that he shouldn't worry about me, but instead I said that. He probably hates me now.

He already hated you k ow he despises you.

You're right I a horrible person.

Yes you are which is why you should just give in.

No! I won't kill anyone.

Oh but I guess you could always kill yourself. That would work to I just want to see the crimson blood flow out of a body.

No why would I kill myself.

You have nothing left. Your parents are dead, your grandparents are dead, your best friend is either dead or doesn't want to put up with you, and the closest thing to a friend you had left just walked away because you're so stupid. Anyway it's for the best if you ask me.

It's not true he understands that it's just how I am. I'll go apologize right now and explain everything to him.

That will only work so long before he decides not to take you back. He'll get tired of you and all of your problems just like everyone else.

No... He will. You're right I don't have anyone. There's not a single person that would miss me I bet nobody's even noticed that I'm gone.

That's because nobody cares about you.

Maybe I should just end it all. Let the people around me have some peace of mind. Jeff can stop having to pretend to put up with me. I can stop being a problematic burden to him.

Good you're finally going to do something right.

I don't have anything to do it with though.

Then I'll have to wait a longer but oh I just can't wait to watch the blood flow out of your veins.

I stand up wanting to end this conversation with myself and apologize to Jeff. Exit the room as quietly as I can then find him sitting on the couch. He was staring at the TV so I know the static voice was coming soon. Even still I stayed in the door way of the living room just studying him.

I watched the way his shoulders slumped as he sighed in dispair. The way his body language showed his inner turmoil. I couldn't see his face but I could only imagine the look that was on it. Sadly that's what I did. I imagined the way his black eyes glazed over in thought the same way they did when he was asleep. I pictured the way his cut smile would be slanted as his actual lips held a slight frown. The way this forehead would scrunch up even with his lack of eyebrows.

I jumped out of my thoughts as I realized that if I added just a bit of color to the picture I had painted in my head it would like just like Jeffery. I need to stop comparing them because all that I achieve is a heavy heart. I missed Jeffrey so much and for some reason I couldn't stop seeing him in Jeff. It was probably because of the fact that Jeff and him have the same name pretty much. That was what I told myself to justify it all. It would put my mind at ease to think that that was the only reason.

Once again I'm drawn out of my thoughts as the TV flickers on and the static starts talking.

'How are you Jeff?'