Letters To BTS

Whatever This Is

this is quite messy, apologies.

whatever this is, it can't be love. how could i possibly love someone who lives on the other side of the world, my existence completely unknown to him? how could i love someone through youtube videos, performances, live streams? how could i love someone who doesn't even speak the same language, someone who is 6 years older? but i don't know what else to call it. i don't simply "like" jeongguk. "like" is so shallow. whatever this is, it is too deep to even try to describe. and anyways, soon, as i grow into the blur of adulthood, i will forget about how hearing his voice, seeing his face, even the mere mention of his name got me flustered and made my heart flutter. he will grow, and find someone he loves who truly loves him back. i'll never forget him, he'll just end up being a distant memory. i know we were not destined for each other, i know we are not meant to be in any way shape or form. but for now. let's just call it love, because it's the only word that even comes close to the feelings i have for him.

i have only known of him for 284 days. but ever since the beginning it was him. "you'll get over bts soon", "your bias will change", "you're disloyal", and more. i have heard all of this and i was waiting for it to happen. but i was scared it would because i didn't think that anything could top what i had for jungkook. but it hasn't. nobody could send happiness through my veins so easily, in any mood. he is still the one who has that little bit of an extra effect on me. my heart skips a few more beats, my face gets just a shade of red darker, my breathe hitches a few more times. i remember sitting in class with my fellow army. we would talk about bts. but once they mentioned jungkook i would swoon. infatuated with his laugh. i would hear it as i fell asleep at night. fawning over his smile. it's crazy, you see. but i can't help it. it doesn't make sense, how i could love someone so blindly. but isn't that what love is? irrational and without reason? the butterflies in my stomach, the blush on my cheeks, all just because i heard his name or saw a picture of jeon jeongguk? love is the happiness that overtakes me on any day in any mood when jeongguk says he's okay, he's happy, he's healthy, when he posts a picture of him smiling. so if it is not, whatever "this" is, i love it.

to your 21st, and many more, cheers jeongguk. i love you.